Flying and Reading Minds

Would you rather fly or be able to read minds? This rather binary question is supposedly a guide to understanding whether you are “left brain” or “right brain”. I’ve never really understood how the answer to this question can tell anyone that, but it’s so widely accepted, it must be right. Right? I’ve always thought it was an unfair choice.

Who doesn’t want to do both? Flying would be amazing (with a windshield of course) and reading people’s minds speaks to a very human desire to understand one another. Ironically enough, we can do both of those things now, and often we don’t exercise that ability.

“Wait…did he say we can read each other’s minds?” That’s right. I did say that. And to an extent, I’m kind of right. We have to the ability to communicate with each other. Communication is more than just sharing what we mean with other people. It’s also how we find out what other people mean. The problem is many of us don’t take advantage of every avenue of communication in a few key areas.

For example: thanks to Will Smith, we’ve all heard that 60% of what you say isn’t what you say because of nonverbal communication. If we know this much, we’re off to a dynamic start. However, how many times have we seen the confusion that just misunderstanding a tone of voice can cause? Or assumed that a person who was truthful wasn’t because they wouldn’t maintain eye contact? Even something as simple as a handshake can lead to misunderstood intentions simply due to the way we shake hands. Why are there so many misunderstandings around simple things?

Simply put, it comes from our own lack of knowledge of nonverbal communication. We expect nonverbal communication to have the same formulaic laws and rules as language, which is understandable. We’re taught at a young age that language is communication. Before we learn language, we only really have a few tools to expression, namely, crying, smiling, laughing or simply remaining silent.

This isn’t a denunciation of language by any means. But it seems that we forget the most important rule of nonverbal communication once we learn verbal communication:  nonverbal communication doesn’t have a set of universal rules to govern it. I’ve always felt this was primarily due to the fact that nonverbal communication encompasses more than just intentional communication.

We rarely say or write things that we didn’t mean to write. We formulate sentences before we share them. By the time our words have entered into the common area, they’ve been especially created for the purpose of presenting a specific thought from us to others. While some people may think more about their word choice than others, it still doesn’t negate the fact that we all put some amount of thought into what we say. How we say it may be another matter altogether. But that’s not where the problems lie.

The problem lies in the fact that we know that nonverbal communication isn’t “thought out” and that in most cases it’s almost impossible to control all aspects of it. Often, we mistakenly think since people don’t actively control nonverbal communication, that it all must mean the same thing in each and every person, which unfortunately is just not true. While some things, such as pupil dilation or the electrical impulses that can be measured through the skin, are completely beyond our control, the majority of nonverbal communication has no set meaning from person to person.  We’ve all had someone ask us what “that look” meant. 

Here’s the takeaway: communication is a way to share meaning, in some cases it may be systemic, but in others it may have no rhyme or reason about it. So instead of assuming, take the time to really understand what meaning is trying to be conveyed.

Being Mediocre Is Easy. Being Great Is Not.

I’ve been here before. It all feels oddly familiar, since I have done the same thing multiple times. It’s the bane of my existence, and my greatest flaw. But where am I? I am trapped in the desire to remain mediocre.

Wait what? The desire to remain mediocre? Why would anyone want to stay mediocre? Don’t we all want to reach our potential? Of course we do. I know I personally want to be the best I can be. However, being the best I can be is, well, hard.

That’s right. It’s hard. It’s not easy. I don’t get to fall asleep at 50% and wake up at 100%. I have to work my way through each and every failure and every setback. Every painful moment of it and guess what? It’s hard. It’s very hard.

The perfect example is my own personal health. As anyone who knows me, follows me on Twitter, connected to me on Facebook or on Foursquare can tell you, I work out. My fitocracy account (Adjective_J if you’re curious) is a testament to that fact. My workouts are not light. In fact, my workouts are pretty much my own personal attempts to push myself beyond what I’m comfortable with every single time I walk into the gym. I’ve actually passed out in the gym three times. Some people would tell me that I need to be far more moderate in my workout endeavors. I would respond the same way Leonidas did in 300, with kick in the chest into a deep well as I yelled, “Madness? THIS IS MY WORKOUT!!”

Lately, though I’ve been far less Leonidas and far more Ephialtes (you know, the guy who sold the Spartans out). I’ve given in to the Persian principles of oversleeping my morning workout and eating the richest foods. Side note: Little Caesar’s five dollar large pizza is surprisingly tasty. Also, it is the devil. The result? Two weeks with moderate workouts, and a noticeable increase in a gut that was previously on the decline.

And here I am. Again. The fight is hard. The odds seem insurmountable. I know I’ll never be amazingly thin. I know that the chances of me looking like my body goal (a young Dwayne Johnson, you know before he turned into a muscle bound monstrosity with two percent body fat) are slim, in fact far slimmer than I will even hope to be. However, the odds shouldn’t matter.  All that matters is when I walk out of the gym after leaving everything I had inside, I feel good about myself. About my life. About who I am. In those moments, I’m not a man who quits. I’m not a man who gives up. I’m a man who perseveres. I’m a man who has drive, the motivation to be great.

The key, for me at least, is realizing what an easy life leads to. It leads to diabetes, being overweight, unfulfilled and most importantly, it leads to me not being able to look at myself in the mirror with pride.

The same is true of any endeavor in life. At the end of the day, you won’t be able to look yourself in the eye if you know that you took the easy way through life. Life isn’t meant to be easy. Fight for what you want. If it gets hard take pride in knowing that you are alive.

Does Time Really Equal Money?

Fun fact: the saying "time is money" is attributed to the late Benjamin Franklin, inventor, elder statesman, ambassador and the face of one hundred dollar bills in America. However, as much as Mr. Franklin (or Benji depending on what era of rap you've last heard) accomplished, I take issue with this statement. Time and money, while sharing some characteristics are most definitely not equal.

Money and time are alike in that both can be spent, either wisely or foolishly. They are both commodities that many of us would love to have more of. However, there is one major difference between time and money, a difference that really sets them both firmly in separate leagues. Money can be saved. Time, however, cannot be. As much as we like to talk about time saving devices (the internet, the cell phone, text messages, etc.) the truth of the matter is, even if we used time saving devices every day, at the end of the day, we have as much as we would have if we hadn't used any. Time has to be spent. Money however does not.

I know that this seems like I'm splitting hairs, but we have to spend our time. Most of the "time saving" techniques aren't so much saving time as freeing up what we have to spend our time doing. E-mail removes the time we would spend waiting for correspondence, as does texts, cellphones, and fax machines. Remember what research was like before the internet? I have a vague recollection of giant buildings filled with books, and a decimal system invented by some guy named Dewey that only made sense if you were named Dewey as well. (that I do remeber the .700's were the fine arts, and that's where the comic book collections could be found) Research is now as simple as typing what you want to know into Google (or some other search engine that works almost as well but not quite as well) and sifting through the top ten answers to your query.

Why are we so obsessed with time? Well, clearly it's because we have a finite supply of it. Side note: there's not a finite supply of money. Or at least I don't think there is. If you disagree, Bill Gates is actively working every day to prove you wrong. Our short supply of time ensures that what we choose to do with it reveals much about ourselves. There was a time when that type of knowledge wasn't commonplace. But now, in our era of social networking and increased personal sharing? Now we all know what we do speaks volumes about us.

Why else would there be so many people actively living lifestyles that proclaim their viewpoints? If you go to the gym at noon, you'll see the young professional, walking into the gym in wingtips or heels and a bag full of workout clothes. He or she is telling everyone that they're in control of their career, of their bodies, and of their lives. Swivel a bit to the left, and you'll see the extremely muscular young man in the cut-off T-shirt sipping water and stretching. What is his time use telling you?

How we spend our time says a lot about us. Who we spend our time with, what we spend our time doing, and ultimately, how we allot the time we've all been given. The real question then is, what does the time you spend say about you?

Why Can't I Just Be Me?

I wish I could start every blog off with a disclaimer. Something that would read along the lines of, "what do I know, I couldn't even spell negro correctly". That wish is built upon my desire to say whatever I want with no consequences. I'll even go a step further and say that I'm pretty sure everyone would love to be able to do that. For instance, Governor Mitt Romney has been plagued throughout his bid for the presidency by what he's been saying.

Of course, there are consequences for what we say, and there's not much we can do to avoid them. I personally try to pick my spots to say things, in essence concluding the less I say the less I'll ultimately be responsible for. Life has taught me that some times, in fact, most times, you should just shut up.

This often back fires on me, since the less I say, when I do say something, it carries far more weight. It's the ultimate catch-22. But every so often I see something and I just feel like I can't keep quiet. I'm sure no one will be surprised to hear that I am at such a point right now.

Last night, while killing time before falling asleep, I saw and interesting tweet on Twitter. It read: "Men. Be men. Do that and I promise I'll treat you like the KING you are." Kind of a sweet sentiment isn't it? All we as men have to do as men is be men. Yay. I should point out it was RT'd (retweeted for the non-twitter savvy) by multiple women everywhere who apparently have dealt with men not being men.

Needless to say, as a man, I have a few problems with that statement. First, isn't that a tad ambiguous? What makes a man "a man"? I can hear the backlash now as millions of women scream at me about being responsible and treating other people with respect, and being open with their emotions, and just considering the other person for a change. There's no argument against any of those things. But isn't that just being an adult? Why is it so necessary to make that being "a man"? I'm not a perfect human being, but I'd like a woman to do all of the aforementioned things in a relationship, namely because I want to date an adult and not a child, or a cleverly constructed facsimile of an adult.

In fact, I tweeted that the statement should read "Men. Be the man I want you to be. Do that and I promise I'll treat you like the KING you are." There's nothing inherently wrong with that statement either. I'm sure every man wants to be a king. I'd love to be one. I could have people beheaded any time I didn't agree with them, I could own land and people, and taxation without representation all day. That doesn't make me crazy. Even Nas had a "if I were king" platform. It was just as preposterous too. Sending all the convicts to Africa? Really Nas?

Most would like to point out that they would treat their man as a king, and therefore they would be a queen. To which I point to history, and specifically to King Henry VIII, a man who started his own church just so he could divorce his queen. My point is, don't treat anyone like a king. Respect them. Love them. Consider them. Let them be, well, them. There's no actual way to change a person, or mold them into what you want them to be. All you can do is accept them or reject them. That's it.

Ultimately, there's nothing wrong with wanting a man to be a specific type of man for you. Nothing wrong with that at all. But be willing to tell men what you want in clear and certain terms. As a man, I'm proud to say that I have no clue what every single woman in the world wants from me in a committed relationship. What I do know is that I'm willing to ask, willing to listen, and if I can fit the description I will. If not, no harm no foul. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for if it exists.

Look, there's no hard and fast rules anymore, I think we all know that. All I'm saying is instead of resorting to cliches and societal standards for what you want, actually sit down and consider what it is that you require to be happy, as well as what you offer in return. Then go out there and find someone who wants what you have and has what you want. And yes, I did just end on an O'Jay's lyric.

Be Willing To Fail

I'm always thinking. Sadly enough, it's normally about myself, my behaviors, my actions, how I look, etc. I believe the term that best describes me in the communications world is "high self-monitor". For instance, I'm still torn as to whether or not to leave my blog named "Full Time Knee Grow". I can't help but think that "knee grow" or even the properly spelled "negro" and professionalism don't go hand in hand and I have to be honest and admit that I feel a bit like a conspiracy theorist when I contemplate why I have that thought.

I also find myself wondering about how my actual abilities compare to how I perceive them. For example, when I run alone, it feels like everything is standing still and I'm a pure mecurial god floating through time and space. In my mind, I'm not just fast, I am speed itself. But then the inevitable happens. Eventually I run with someone else towards a common goal. It's usually one of us has possession of a ball of some sort and the other one of us is trying to physically oppose holder of said ball. That's when reality hits me. That's when I realize that just about everyone alive is faster than the 6'6", 290 pound guy. 

Of course, this realization doesn't mean I'm slow. Quite often, my friends will tell me that I'm actually quick (say it with me) "for a guy my size". Which is like saying that a 1998 Volkswagen Jetta is spacious for a compact. If you have to add a qualifier, it's probably closer to an insult than a compliment. But that's okay. I take it all in stride. Pun intended.

I might be wrong, but I honestly expect almost every endeavor in life to be exactly like that. In theory, it should seem as if there is no obstacle you can't overcome. I'm a planner, and in my head, my plans all lead (eventually) to some form of success. Granted, as a slightly more obsessive than normal planner, I have contingency plans for failures and backup plans but ultimately the statement still holds true: I plan for success, not for failure. 

Our plans don't always work out though, do they? Oftentimes, because of our own inabilities and imperfections, we find that our plans, though carefully laid, are dashed by time and unforeseen occurrences. What separates the successful from the unsuccessful however, isn't the quality of the plans, but it is in fact, the willingness to fail. 

You've heard it time and time again. Successful people aren't afraid to fail. I'd take that statement a step farther. Successful people are not only unafraid of failure, but they are willing to fail. You could accuse me of merely playing with semantics, and quite frankly, you'd be correct. But the rhetorical choices that we make inwardly tell us a lot about ourselves and our motivations. Think about it. When you say to yourself, "I'm not afraid to fail," what are you really saying? 

"I'm not afraid to fail," in my opinion is acknowledging that failure can happen, but that it's not necessary. In many cases, that's just not true. Think of a pharmaceutical researcher and all of the clinical trials and failures he or she must endure to find a working solution to a medicinal problem. There is a level of failure that's expected and acceptable in many cases. In fact, sometimes, we have to be willing to go and fail so that we can be successful later.

That first marketing plan may have taken you forever to conceive and put together, but it could possibly fail in three seconds. The very first business you start, the one you put your heart and soul into could tank horribly, despite how much affection and care you pour into it. 

The point being made is that you have to be willing to take that failure, learn from it, and then get back out there willingly and stare that failure in between the eyes as you try again. The old adage, "if at first you don't succeed, try try try again" applies to everything in life you want to experience success in. In some cases, that phrase might better be, "if you never succeed, try try again." I say in some cases, because there are instances where that motto will get you a restraining order and quite possibly some jail time. 

If you really feel as if you need to be motivated more, here ya go:

Go out there and fail.