Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Wow. So this weekend was amazing. There were concerts (check out the photoblog for a few pics of that) and there was driving and more concerts. Went to Memphis, and managed to leave my cameraphone in the car. Wow. I say wow a lot. Now the recuperating must begin. And it must begin with me sleeping all the time. Some of the highlights of the trip:

Waking up on a couch with someone's cat crawling over my shoulder. All I remember is grabbing a handful of small animal and throwing it away from me. Did I mention I'm allergic to cats? That brings us to

Stumbling into the bathroom and breaking out into a cold sweat as I realized I couldn't breathe. Then stumbling towards the door outside gasping for air.

Singing Rappers Delight in a full fledged karaoke bar. With Jared. On a stage. Then having people tell us we did an awesome job. Even though we both know we sucked. Thanks rhythmless white guy. You must have been drinking.

Did I mention the talent in that karaoke bar? Believe me, there were some talented folks on that stage. The coordinator was very talented. She did a Tina Turner that was phenomenal.

Eating at Dyers. You see, Dyers has been around since the early 1900's and the reason is the famous grease that has also been around since the early 1900's. And the food there was. . .horrible. Oh my god. There's a reason why they serve alcohol there. Because you'd have to be drunk to eat there. I mean that. Check out the "legend" that is a Dyers burger at the official Beale street website.

Does that mean I was drunk? No. That means that I wish I had been drunk.

I would put the "drink tally" up but, well, I don't want people thinking I drink a lot. Wait, does the fact that I just said that mean you think I drink a lot? Lets just drop that.

Leaving my phone in the car. To my credit, I didn't forget my phone. I remembered it was in the car. I just decided I didn't really need it. Six missed calls and two messages were all I didn't get till late. No biggie right?

The rain. So ever seen a concert in the rain? Wear a polo shirt. Those things are like the most absorbent shirts I have ever worn. Not a drop of rain made it past that shirt. I mean, literally the seats in front of me were dry because my shirt had soaked up all the rain that came within a three foot radius of me. Seriously. It was awesome. (can you just feel that sarcasm?)

Did I mention that the rain was off and on? Like at first it was torrential then it would stop, you'd start to dry a little bit, you know go buy a beer from the stand only to have said beer get rained in by the return of the torrential downpour?

And the beer was six bucks a cup. SIX bucks a cup people. We're talking a biggie sized drink and a triple at Wendy's. Which, coincidentally, is a better choice than say, Dyers. That's right. I'll diss them to the day I die. And then I'll be sure I mention them on my tombstone. Something like, "Now that I'm dead, I regret only one thing. That's right, eating at Dyers!"

Did I just mention Dyers and tombstones?

And yes, I'm allergic to cats. I know I know, that sounds like Jerm's thing, but I'm still trying to recover from the allergy attack I had.

Sarcasm. Like dogs tearing at flesh. There was a lot of sarcasm. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Does that make me a bad person? Am I wrong to enjoy seeing people being put down, in public? And if I am, who can say they don't join me in that pleasure? Show of hands. Hypocrites. Put your hands down.

Speaking of hypocrites, Jared you suck! Even though you don't read this blog. Somebody tell Jared to visit this site. He needs to see that for himself.

The O'Jays. Put your hands together for them. Right now. They are old, very old, and they still bring the live show. Complete with stylish dance moves straight from the decade they were popular in.

Huntsville, you also suck. You couldn't get a band with a certifiable hit this year? Or maybe even in the last three years? No? Why not go get an indie band? I'd pay good money to see a genuine indie band. They carry more clout than Tishaminga. Who, I didn't see by the way. And what's up with raising the prices while simultaneously lowering your standards? That's called crap, Huntsville. You can only play the family fun card for so long before we realize you're too cheap, bent on profits, and way too used to nothing happening to make something happen.

And while I'm at it, has anyone seen Peyton Manning? He's been missing since last season apparently. If you have, could you tell him my fantasy football team misses him. Oh, and we left a plate of cookies out for him. All he has to do is throw touchdowns.

That does it for me, I'm going to go sleep till I feel cheerful again. Oh wait, I'd have to go into a coma for that. I'll just go sleep till tomorrow.

Monday, September 19, 2005

And now for your reading pleasure, I give you. . .a short story.

"Wake up. Cmon get up."
"What? What do you want so badly that it can't wait till this afternoon?"
"It is this afternoon, so get up already."
"Its afternoon? Oh wow, I've been sleep forever, why didn't you wake me up?"
"I just tried to. . ."
"Forget it, look, what do you want?"
"So. . ."
"So what? You're that persistent for fifteen. . ."
"Thirty minutes."
"Fine, thirty minutes and now you start off with a so...? You know what your problem is?"
"I can't afford to move out?"
"No, that's not it. Your problem is you aren't assertive enough. Take last night for instance. . ."
"That's what I was going to ask, how'd that go?"
"How'd that go? How do you think it went?"
"I wouldn't have asked if I knew."
"No, you shouldn't suddenly develop a backbone. Wait until I get fully awake before you start doing that. Then I can properly chastise you for being such a . . ."
"The party! Tell me about the party man!"
"Fine, fine, let me grab an orange juice."
"At two in the afternoon?"
"Oh wait, yeah, might as well wake and bake. We got any beer?"
"Yeah, in the fridge."
"So. . ."
"I'm getting to it. So we get there at like ten."
"Ten at night? I thought it started at eight."
"Eight? What loser goes to parties at eight? Or for that matter what loser shows up on time?"
"Oh right, right, the cool people show up late. Forgettably late."
"No its fashonably late, you spineless loser! Why do I even bother. . ."
"So its ten o'clock, what then?"
"So I walk and there are wall to wall PYTs. . ."
"PYTs? Personal Yacht Tables?"
"That's it. I'm not telling you anymore."
"What that's not what PYT means?"
"No you idiot, its pretty young thing. PYTs are pretty young things."
"Oh. Clever. Did you make that up?"
"Of course. So the PYTs are all over, I mean its nothing but beauty as far as the eye can see. Almost like I just walked into the cave and said open sesame and there they were."
"Wouldn't have you to say open sesame first?"
"You know, say open sesame first, then walk into the cave."
"End of story."
"Cmon, I'm just saying."
"I mean it this time, next time you'll have to just live the dream on your own, with no help from the outside world of reality."
"Just finish it. For me?"
"Whatev. Get me another beer."
"Sure thing."
"Thanks. So I'm casing the joint, you know spotting who will give me something to say, and I see this rather tall girl in a corner sipping a daquiri. . ."
"They had mixed drinks there?"
"Uh. . .yeah."
"Like, a frozen daquiri, or you know the kind that's cold and. . ."
"A daquiri okay, it was a frickin daquiri. MAN! What is your problem? Do you even care what she looked like?"
"The daquiri is a very important part of what she looked like."
"That's it, I swear you will never know what happened."
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry."
"So I walk up to her, start giving her the classic charm, you know, totally talking my way to the leisure suit, when she stops me and asks me for a drink."
"I thought she had a daquiri?"
"I know, and you know what I pay in rent, so there's no way I'm getting this girl another daquiri."
"That's right. Rent's high."
"So's gas. So I say, here let me take this and I'll get you another. And take her glass, which she's gripping like a eagle grips chickens in its talons, and after wresting away from her I go to the bar. Bartender comes up and says, hey what'll you have, I say give me a tonic water. That's like a buck fifty."
"Thought she wanted a drink?"
"I'm getting there. So I bring it back and tell her it grey goose and tonic."
"SO pipsqueak, everyone knows you can barely taste grey goose in tonic water. The stuff's too smooth."
"I know, she's costing me very little."
"Very little."
"So she's knocking back probably wondering why she's not buzzing, when the waiter comes over and asks if she'd like another club soda. And she looks and says, yes, but I have vodka and tonic. And the waiter says no, the bartender said you had a club soda. And she looks at me, and now my cover is blown, and I know I can't pretend because I'm really that cheap."
"Yeah you are, you just knocked back three of my beers."
"So I start acting outraged, as if I didn't realize that I'd been pumping her full of tonic water, and I get up getting ready to head to the bar, and she stops me and she goes to the bar, and I'm thinking, alright, she's going to get all kungfu betty on the dudes head, and then she talks to him, they both look at me, and then she gets another drink, and I'm like alright, and she hits me in the face and leaves me a receipt. Apparently that was a quadruple shot of grey goose she just splashed me with. All the vodka she should've gotten."
"What'd you do?"
"Only thing I could've. I jumped the bartender after."
"Wow. So that's how you got so beat up. Man, if you look like that, I'd hate to see him."
"I'd hate to see him too, because he's a really good fighter who also promised to beat me like he did last night, everytime, in fact anytime, he saw me."
"Yeah. Also the last thing I remember before I blacked out is the cops showing up."
"Yeah, so how'd I get home?"
"The cops."
"Yeah that's what I thought."
"So. . ."
"Yeah, I'm going out again tonight. You want to come."
"Are you kidding? I've been trying to get you to ask about that all afternoon. Lets go!"

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Them some mighty fine vittles!

So this morning, in between alarms, I had this dream. It was weird, but for some reason I kept thinking, this would make a really funny skit. I'll try to explain it.

There's a man, he's wearing a suit. Its a relatively nice business number, you know? And he goes to a house, and a pregnant lady answers. She invites him in, and he begins making small talk. Asking her about her coffee table, you know the nice things you do to make conversation. Anyway, she's talking about something, and he interrupts like he's not paying attention and informs her of a new branch of the neighborhood watch. Its the decency patrol. And he's the head. And they want to kick her out. Maybe I should've set this up. In my mind, its obvious this lady is a homemaker. She's pregnant. She comes to door in an apron, and with a loaf of bread in a pan that she just baked. She's so decent, that there's no way that she's indecent. But he's going on about how some people in the neighborhood are concerned. Of course, she looks suprised, but he's like, "You're indecent, and we feel our neighborhood would be better, if you and your family (points at her stomach) left." Surprise become indignance, and then she asks what she's done that was so indecent. "What do you sit home all day doing?" "Well, today, I've put these buns in the oven. . ." And he says, "Aha! I knew it. You're just popping the loaves of bread in and out of the oven eh? Mrs. Pewtersmith, I am a man of the world, I know all about your sordid bakery! And a pregnant woman at that." And she's even more shocked, and demands to know what he means. "You know what I mean, with your kneeding, and your baking, making the bread supple and hot! I don't have the stomach to even stay in this travesty of a bakery any longer! Good day madam, and may God have mercy on your soul!"

And I woke up. I don't know what the heck it all means, but apparently its what happens when I try to sleep longer for work than I should. Go figure.

Monday, September 05, 2005

This should come as no surprise to those of you who know me. In two years, I've conquered the world of alcohol and I am amused at the simplicity. Check it out for yourselves. And for the record, I didn't cheat.

Also it should be pointed out I found this quiz on an online dating site. Interestingly enough, its free to take the quiz, you don't have to join, so don't worry, I'm not out looking for love in all the wrong places.

Bacardi 151
Congratulations! You're 137 proof, with specific scores in beer (140) , wine (66), and liquor (95).
All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 72% on proof

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You scored higher than 98% on beer index

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You scored higher than 78% on wine index

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You scored higher than 89% on liquor index
Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid