Thursday, October 28, 2004

In the car, listening to music, and suddenly, all this hits me.

I can tell you how I feel,
but sometimes I can't keep it real,
because you make feel like I'm in a dream,
just want to make you everything,
I mean,
I can picture you and me in house that's small but clean,
it seems,
that we're sew together cause I'm bursting at the seams.
Little cliches,
I'm finding little ways,
to make you wanna stay.

And I just lost the vibe. . .oh well. Here's the song and pic.
I Wish - Skee-Lo
Without a doubt, the only song that will never apply to me.
My mood?

I lost the vibe. . .

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Wash em up, wring em out/then I throw em in the dryer

Yeah, I'm doing laundry. Thus the laundry reference. As usual my days are passing by way too quickly, and sometimes, well sometimes I don't even remember what it was that I was thinking in the first place. I guess that's just the way things go, when you really aren't that great at much. Anyway, I know there was a dead period between now and Friday, but if it makes you feel any better its really because nothing happened. Well not just really. Its been mostly lots of introspection and attempts at "bettering" myself. I put that in quotation marks because in all honesty, its laughable to believe that I could be better. No, I'm not saying that I'm great, but I doubt that I can improve myself to a point that I wouldn't be imperfect, and since I have that particular monkey on my back, obviously I'll never completely be an improvement over what I once was. Anyway, what I've noticed is how I have dislikes. Sure everyone has dislikes, but the difference is that I have dislikes that I feel so strongly about that I actually find myself disgusted with people. Last night, I was at work and a lady threw away a Sprite. Big deal right? Well she only drank half of it. And for some reason I found myself thinking that the fact that she wasted a half a can of Sprite by not drinking it was so disrespectful and wasteful that I literally didn't like that lady. In fact she disgusted me. But in all honesty, it was her Sprite, and besides is it really wasteful to not drink something that you don't want? How many times have I emptied glasses, bottles, cans, plates, or otherwise because I didn't want to be wasteful, and not because I was thirsty or hungry. Wouldn't I still be as wasteful, and even worse than the lady who threw away because in doing so in some small way its gluttony. Maybe she's on a diet? Maybe she just doesn't want to ingest that much sugar that late at night? Who knows? But who am I to judge her entire being on that one act? And apparently I do that a lot. Its scary to think that considering how long my list of dislikes is, not too mention how much more strongly I feel about them compared to this particular one. In closing, I think I'd well to remember that I'm not perfect, not as an excuse for me, but maybe as an excuse, or reason I should say, for not judging others based upon one action, especially those that aren't indicative of who they are in the first place.

Which brings us to the sound of the day. Its a nice reprieve from my normal rock and R&B offerings. This is what I'd term as being trip-hop, but I'm sure someone will call it drum and bass, but I think calling it electronica wouldn't be too far off the beating path. The first time I heard this was on a CD that Jeremy let me borrow. It was a two disc set, one that introduced to Portishead, and Fatboy's Slim non video game side. Not to mention Prodigy. This CD was one that I remember me and Jeremy listening to on the way to a party, and somewhere in here, this song kind of stood out to me. It made me find more stuff by the group. Anyway, here it finally is:
Hive - Ultrasonic Sound

My mood?

Introspection. . .not exactly a good way to spend time at work.

Friday, October 22, 2004

So wear your idiot marks like a badge of shame

Man its Friday already? Sorry to disappoint all my loyal readers (all two of them) and have an off week, but I'm all about getting back into the groove of things if you will. Either way, I have to work (its okay, you can cry along with me) so this is obviously short. I promise to post this weekend. I gotta short story that won't leave my head till I've either been knocked unconscious or until I write it down. Title? I don't do those. Too much form and substance. I'm all about pointlessness. I'm all about a lot of things, because there's a lot of things that I'm all about. Right. So carry on if you will.

My mood?

I dislike many things, but Oprah is high on the list. Very high.

Breaking Up - Magna-fi
One of the few songs by Magna-fi worth mentioning. Anyway, here ya go!

Monday, October 18, 2004

after your disbelief fades/into lovely grey shades/and the madness infects your very veins/after you turn into the monsters you spurned/who'll be there to love what you once were/more than what you've become?

Undoubtedly a good weekend. A really good weekend. But I'm tired. Very much so. A lot happened, but most importantly, Tremaine gave his public talk. I'll be the first to say that it was indeed good, and the last to defend that statement. Amazingly enough, he didn't dethrone me in attendance, but in all honesty, quality frequently prevails over quantity. And I had quantity and quality. Thusly, he'll never win that regards. But of course I kid, I kid. Either way, now Danny's the next one to face the forty-five minute monster. And a monster it is. Take note of the "lyrical" opening at the beginning of today's entry. I wrote that. I'm sure someday I'll finish it. Much like someday I'll finish expelling glass from the scar in my arm. Indeed.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

I can't breathe. That's right ladies and gents, Javann's sick. And not mental sick, oh no, Javann is straight up sick. I mean coughing, sneezing, sniffing, itchy watery eyes, and congested nostrils sick. Every year about this time, something happens to me. I start falling apart at the seams, my voice leaves me and then boom! I can't breathe for days on end. Its already day seven and I'm ready for this to be over already. Can't do much about it, the doctor says its a sinus infection (every year) and I say hahahahahahaha. . .I'll just go home now. I can't wait to breathe normally through my nose without the accompanying sniffles required to clear enough space for air to pass through. Eeeww... I just read that last sentence. Enough of my whining. I'm going to find some tea.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Yo. A short post from me also. Sorry. So I've been working on this thing all day and I'm
ready to unveil it finally and collect some input.

Any suggestions and stuff would be cool. Dunno whether or not I'll be able to put them into practice but they'd be appreciated anyway.
There goes my hero, watch him as he goes
Well, lets keep it short. The weekend was excellent, I gave my talk, went hideously overtime, (hideously) and then inflicted wounds with terry cloth. Okay. I think a good time was had by all. Either way, this ends my blog for the day, I've got a lot of everything to do and not alot of time to do it in.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

We fell in love/In the key of C/We walked along/Down by the sea

And so master mind that I am, I've got the site back up and running as it should. Cacophony shall forever remain my middle name. And so shall I be who I am. Anyway, its Wednesday, and unfortunately, I'm still in the computer lab. BUT! This here lab has FTP software, and I've got mp3 discs at my disposal. Which means that we can look forward to an mp3 for the day. I know, its been what seems like forever, so I'll be sure to make this one special.

In retrospect everything is clear. Or that's what everyone seems to tell me. In all honesty, looking back I don't understand anything. It seems to me that the clearest thing in my mind is the present. I can't understand half of the decisions I've made, much less understand my thoughts at the time. Things that made a lot of sense to me at the time make no sense to me later. I'd like to say that someday I'll probably understand everything later in my life, but in all actuality I'll never understand my past. I think that comes from the fact that I, like everyone else, have definitely changed with time. I'm not the person I used to be two days ago, much less the person I was months or years ago. Each day, every human is a different person, and each day, that human changes throughout the day. Some days the change is drastic and other days its minute. I think that's what makes growing up so difficult for adolescents, trying to understand exactly why their change is so drastic when everyone else seems to be so static. In all actuality, everyone is changing but some people seem to change very little. I was told when I was younger that life is hard and tough, and ironically enough, not changing is the only way you can really deal with it. If you don't start carving a niche, a.k.a. a rut for yourself to walk, you'll never be able to survive. Its almost as if you're forced to have tunnel vision, simply because survival requires it. You know I was watching Max-X which is this TV show where they show extreme video footage. Footage where, like the guy filming is driving and has an accident, goes through the windshield with it, and then films his arm flopping next to the steering wheel ten yards down the street. Okay that was a bit graphic, but it gets my point across. Anyway, this elephant who was trained to do tricks and perform for people, and apparently it was quite the elephant. Well, apparently it'd been pushed far enough, because the elephant snapped. It didn't have tusks, since they had been removed, but it was trying to gore its trainers, or at least damage them. Of course, since it was a 10,000 pound, nine foot tall elephant, they couldn't keep it contained in the tent, and it got loose. It totaled a car, then when a man tried to lock it in a fence, it threw him out of the way, and then mashed him to the pavement with its forehead. My first thought was poor guy, but then I looked at the elephant. It had been forced to turn tricks for peanuts, taken from its natural environment, mutilated simply for the pleasure, no, simply to earn money for its owners. Then when it tried to break free from the oppression, the elephant became dangerous. I also noticed how the announcer called it a "her", and "she" when the elephant was doing as it was supposed to, but once it began breaking free, the elephant became an "it". After having a zoological expert tell us the elephant was intelligent, "knew what it was doing" and apparently attacked its captors with criminal intent, we learn that the cops "had" to kill it. When I heard that, it angered me. This isn't a criminal, or some man who's bent on destruction. This is a poor scared elephant, that YOU drug away from its natural habitat, brought into the city, and forced to do tricks. When it wasn't performing for your benefit, it had to be put in a cage, and be shipped from place to place, with no real hope for it to ever get back home. And then when it finally snaps, decides it just wants to be freed from the hell you forced upon it, you killed it. What does this have to do with anything? Well, think back. I was talking about ruts. When you break out of a rut, you become dangerous. You have problems. And just like the elephant that broke free, you risk your life just to free yourself from the niche you created simply to continue living. But is breaking free worth the death that ensued? For the elephant, death was better than being forced to do some man's bidding for the rest of her life. Perhaps, for the elephant, life ended when it was captured and detusked. When it was removed from its natural habitat, life was no longer life.

At any rate, here's the mp3:I Am Trying To Break Your Heart - Wilco

My mood?

I don't know but this is a cool picture.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

If we run, we can see the light/if we stop we'll go quietly into the night/if we face, no doubt we will join the fight/and if it doesn't matter, then we'll set this right

So, this'll be all kinds of short. But! Here's what you need to know about the world of Javann. I'm off work this week! Yay! Video games and junk food all around. But really I'm using the time to study and prepare. Well, some of the time. A good deal really is being dedicated to junk food and video games. Don't worry, I'm getting a few wholesome meals in, with plenty of leafy green vegetables so there's nothing to be overly concerned about. This weekend I get to work the homecoming parade of a local college. Which means I stand in the street and make sure no traffic gets in the parade. Its not a difficult job, but its definitely going to be a fun one, because I intend to do it in plain clothes, and not my uniform. I kid I kid.

Have you noticed all the attempts to get people to vote this year? I can barely remember the last two elections and I can't help but think that this is the largest campaign I've seen to encourage voting. . .is that just me thinking that? If you don't live stateside, its pretty annoying, even the infamous Triumph the Insult Comic Dog as got in on the action. You'd think they'd try to keep him away from the entire process, since he's the one that managed to insult an entire province of Canada in under ten minutes. Amazing. Anyway, I've got some junk food and video games to ingest.

Monday, October 04, 2004

The Incushow was a triumph. It still wasn't as good as the Morning View show, but the band was extremely on last night. I didn't hear one, 1, a single mistake. Not one. Not a wrong note or a voice crack. That in itself is amazing to me and gets them some points. So even tough the set list was lacking a bit, it was an amazing thing to see notwithstanding. Speaking of set lists:

Nice to Know You
Idiot Box
Wish You Were Here
Just a Phase
Stellar (which went into a Do Do Do Da Da Da cover in the middle)
Beware Criminal
Here in My Room
Vitamin (into the...)
Drum Jam (which, in turn, leads to...)
Everything is Dead (which was excellent)
Talk Shows on Mute
I Miss You
Made For TV Movie
Sick Sad Little World
Southern Girl
Under My Umbrella

While the set list was based largely off the new album, thankfully they stuck to the good new songs like Priceless and Beware! Criminal. They played this new lounge version of Drive where Mike was playing the piano which was interesting and, to me, a lot darker than any other version I've heard. Set wise, everything was predictable and there was only was really huge surprise. I wasn't expecting to hear much old stuff. I wish they would’ve done Circles though, cause I love that song and love hearing it live, but they made up for that by playing freakin Under My Umbrella cause that's a rarity and a really awesome song (that was the huge surprise). I've never heard a live version of it ever - not even a bootleg and I've looked hardcore, too - and always wanted to hear it live, so it was cool to finally get to it in all its glory. It was a closer for the real fans, definitely.

Other highlights were Idiot Box, Sick Sad Little World and Priceless. Good stuff. So now I’m off to try and recoup. The floor is a vicious place indeed.

Friday, October 01, 2004

And you took me away, and you took me away, and you took me away

So ladies and gents, what's the haps. This'll be shorter than normal because its Friday. There's nothing better, literally. As you can see in the comments, Failed Day is being planned again, and soon it shall be an event to witness. I'm all about getting in where its at this time around since last time I didn't even remotely get in where I fit in. But I rarely fit in anywhere. Speaking of which, my first official school holiday is coming up, for my crossing guard job, and not for my actual schooling. Which means I'll be living the good life. Or maybe I'll be wishing I was living the good life, since I'll reall just be living. Also for all you hep cats out there, my talk is quickly approaching, mark your calendars, October 10th is upon us! I feel sick. Or something.

So today, I got an email from Apparently they're featuring me in a "200 Best Poets" book that they're releasing. I'd say I feel honored but I don't even get a copy of the book for free. That's right, yours truly has to pay to read is own stuff. Well, at least on paper. But don't worry chicos and chicas you can still read a few of my favorite poems. Here's the highlights from my years. (With author's notes after each one! Don't you feel special?)

I Don't Accept Challenges
You know what they say,
whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger,
and only one of us will be stronger today.
You messed up and got in my way,
now you're going to get left in my wake.
Welcome to my world of mistakes,
everyone who says these are the breaks,
haven't seen your bones in two minutes.
Now that this fight is beginning,
I can tell you the ending,
its you on the ground with less blood,
while you wasted your time on love,
I waste the lives of others,
put tears in the eyes of their mothers.
Maybe you haven't had time to ask around,
but the last challenger is still in the ground.
Still want to get down?
(So this is bascially me when I'm angry and I want to release said anger, and since I can't really justify going out and beating up the object of my anger, here's the poem that gets written instead. Ah, sweet release.)

The Black Goddess
you're a black goddess,
yet modest, the girl of my dreams,
let me know you a little better,
if you know what I mean,
i won't impress you with cheddar,
cash or my cream,
I just want your intellect shining on me,
reclining on me, you got me feeling complete,
from my brain to my feet, whenever we meet,
I want you to understand,
I've already planned,
to meet your demands, whenever I can,
with the wave of my hand,
just call me your man
(Isn't this pretty obvious? NEXT!!)

What Is Love Like?
Its like the time
when it was night and you were there
and I was there.
And there seemed to be no care
not a worry or anxiety in the world.
Just you and me, a boy and a girl.
And as we stared at the stars,
heavenly bodies intertwined like ours,
I realized I could reach up and touch them.
I pulled down the sky and wrapped you in it,
just so that for those seconds, that minute,
the lovely met the divine,
and I thought it must be a sign,
a sign that love is what it should be.
Love is sometimes what we can see
and sometimes what we feel,
and it all seemed surreal
and yet so real
I could touch you both, again. . .
(Just when you thought metaphors, imagery, pointless romanticism and symbolism were dead. . .)

If I Thought What You Did, Would We Ever See Eye To Eye?
everything doesn't have to be about me.
if it were my life would be a casualty,
to casualness and self worship.
don't misconstrue, everything i do
because whenever my tongue slips
the things i say don't come from me.
at least not specifically.
if i know what best for me
i'll forever be, in love unhappily
right now i'm alone but not alone
simply because i can't condone
allowing myself to commit homicide
to myself also known as suicide
i'd like to imagine my life as eventually
instead of perpetually
but still i imagine its not changed
since i became estranged, i guess i'm strange
and if love doesn't come for free,
i'm sure it'll come to me
for a fee.
(And for the finale, and bit of teen angst.)