Wednesday, February 21, 2007

For your general enjoyment. . .a story
I'm in a weird place right now. Its like the water's up to my neck, and I can't swim, and I can feel my toes leaving the bottom, hear the water rushing in, and in my head, I hear myself wondering again and again, "how'm I getting out of this?"

Hmm. . .yeah, I guess then you must feel a little trapped.

Well, not exactly trapped. More like my hand has been forced.

What do you mean?

My hand. . .has. . .been. . .forced. Its almost as if now I must do something so incredible, so improbable to escape where I am that its not even about overcoming, as much as its the only thing I can do.

So. . .because you're in so deep, what you do now its heroism?

No, its really just me doing the only thing I can. Like picture this: A man wakes up in the middle of the night. There's smoke everywhere, so thick that he can't breathe. The heat of the fire has saturated the air, and its almost impossible to tell where its coming from. He jumps up quick and locates his family and pulls them out of the family, almost dying from smoke inhalation. The next day he's in the papers as a hero.

And he should be right?

Right, he should be. Now picture that same man, trying to get out of the house and in his desperate rush for survival, he awakens his family. They rush out with him, and now they all survive. But is he a hero?

No. . .

NO! He's a coward of the worse sort, because he would have left his family behind. Fortunately, for him and for his family, he's just clumsy enough in the dense smoke to knock over objects and alert those around him. I'm that man. I'm not heroic. I'm just in a situation where I've no choice but knock some stuff around. Anything that happens because of that has nothing to do with my being brave, or courageous, or any such nonsense. I fight because I have to.

Because you feel you have to?

No because I have to. I fight because I have to fight. There's no in between. At least I don't think there is.

Maybe there is and you don't know it?

No. . .I think of all people, as the smoke fills my lungs, I would be able to feel it.


Metaphor. Anyway, this isn't a time for talk either way. Lets go.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Adam was lonely.

Everyone gets lonely sometimes. Its not necessarily a state of solitude. ( did I spell that right?) I've been in a crowd full of people and been miserable. I've been in a conversations where I would swear I was the only one there. Oh sure, the other person was talking, but they definitely weren't where I was. I guess deep down inside, every human is singularly hoping to find someone they "connect" with. We all want someone we know cares, unconditionally, and no matter what we say or do, even if our actions or words are appalling, that connective being will always see us for the person we are inside, and not what we do.

Of course, I'm not wrong in saying that in most cases, that is a little too much to ask for. There is no special someone (human, of course) who will right all that is wrong, or that will resolve all the issues that pester us. To believe otherwise would be to live with a romanticized view of the world. A view which would only serve to dishearten us further.

Or perhaps that hope that somewhere out there, there's someone who's looking for you (in a strict non-horror movie kind of a way of course) and sincerely feels empty without you is just motivation for continuing the search. I suppose it all depends on whether or not your glass is half full or half empty. Personally, I like to say the glass is half empty, when I really think its half full.

I just realized this seems awfully convenient for this time of year. Whoops.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Let me be the first to say, yes, I've been gone for awhile. Its really not you, I swear. If its anyone its me. It just. . .isn't the same anymore. At least not to me.

So I'm sure right now you're dying to know what's going on with me. Well, computer usage time is getting pretty hard to come by. A whole different set of circumstances to tell the truth, and if you couple that with a decling lack of enthusiasm on my part for writing my deepest thoughts in a public forum for pretty much anyone who would care to see it (translation, for two people to read) then you can see why I've not blogged in a while. On a plus side, I'm a month into 2007, and already I've made several life changing decisions. Good, no?

Life Changing Decisions!
1) I need to go back to school.
a) Its not that I don't enjoy being a FedEx courier, but this is truly a dead end job. And I also hate to say it, but while I'm good at my job, the constraints that my employer is placing on me are becoming increasingly more difficult, almost to the point that my actual job is almost impossible. Funny right? Nope, not funny at all.
b) In my search for something with a good deal more stability, I'm finding that every job I apply for requires a degree or some specific training. Training that I'm not getting at my current job, and of course, a degree I've not earned yet. Yay.
c) And the most important (short term) reason I can think of for going back to school? Decreased membership fees at what is still the best gym in town. If that's a not a reason, then pray tell, what is? Which bring us to. . .

2) I gotta start working out. Preferrably at a gym.
a) At my "dead end job" I finally got moved away from emptying canisters of packages. It was quite a cardiovascular workout for me. In fact, one so intense that it kept me in quite possibly the best post-high school shape I've been in. Now I'm not doing it anymore. Now I load trucks. Which is sadly a serious decline in physicality. So guess what? If I keep my current complacent lifestyle which involves me not really working out after I work, I will turn in a fat lazy sloppy pig. And as much as I enjoy the lazy pig aspects of that, I don't want to be fat or sloppy. Or unhealthy.
b) Which, coincidentally, is why I've decided to stop eating fast food. Wait let me finish. When I turn thirty. You didn't really think I was going to give that up, did you? But I am limiting how much of it I eat. Which I've been doing for the last five months or so.

So there you go, I hope you feel up to date on all things Javann. If not, feel free to call or text me. I'll tell you everything you'd ever want to know. Actually, probably not. In fact, don't call or text me. That was a bad idea waiting to ferment into my demise.