Friday, October 29, 2010

Retro Blog:

All The Beautiful People


Allow me to make a point. I was thinking late last night, during one of my incessant spells of insomnia (which I blame for my present mental state) and I thought of several different things. First, if sounds were images, they'd be transparent. When you listen to music, you can hear lots of sounds blending together in sweet harmoney. If you could create images from each of those sounds, the only way to really symbolize the sweet sweet harmony would be if they images were completely transparent. In keeping with this theme, I'll say my daily stupid phrase, sound waves are transparent or invisible to the naked human eye. Though really if you distort sound enough, I'd imagine its effect on the air and the particles in the air could be documented. My other thought was my overwhelming joy in not being a "beautiful person". Fortunately, my name is not on the list, and I don't have a walkie talkie, (guess that song reference!) because frankly being beautiful isn't enviable. I guess I should clarify. I've come to theorize that there are two types of "beautiful" people in this world, (well two types I care about right this moment) and that's effortless beauty and insane beauty. You see, effortless beauty is just that. Its a person that awakens from a deep slumber and is still beautiful despite the fact that in actuality they've just woken up and their features are insanely distorted. These people take showers, shake their hair out, and walk about life, astounding us with their raw beauty. We all know people like this, people that we've never in our entire lives seen have an ugly moment. We all have ugly moments, but these peoples must have theirs early in life, so as to not have them when it counts. Bravo, I say, to these people, and I add in a very fake golf clap. You are indeed genetically superior to me in every way. Please note my biting sarcasm and my complete lack of disregard for your feelings. Chalk it up to being beautiful. The rest of us ugly gigantuan heathens get to mistreat you out of sheer jealousy and envy. Of course, that brings us to the insanely beautiful. These are similar to the effortless beauties, but they have to put forth effort. The person they are when they wake up and the person they are in the two hour time span that lapses are as dissimilar as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They all carry a cleverly designed facade to fool us into thinking they are effortlessly beautiful. But if you watch them carefully, its really rather obvious that they are not. The hypoallergenic scrub they carry in their pockets, the gel and styling mousse strewn about their personal space in their efforts to keep their hair controlled and stylish, and their inability to arrive anywhere on time. All of these clues points to an insane amount of energy being expended in order to maintain a high level of beauty. These people are the ones that order the salad at restaurants, eat half or a third of it, and then take the rest home and feed it to the dog. Or give it to me, an ugly. Sometimes uglies ascribe to be insanes, but it often just fails in a complete mental and nervous breakdown, culiminating in the ugly person being found in a pool of his/her own styling products. Its a horrible thing to have happen, especially if its to someone you know. I've known uglies who crossed the line to beautiful, and let me say the amount of dedication they put to being a beautiful is nothing short of horrendously hilarious. I find myself torn between offering them a way out of the torturous ordeal that they have put themselves through, and doubling over in gut-wrenching laughter at their vain attempts. If you told them they were an insane beauty, they wouldn't believe you, because they are so far down the path of no return, that even the blatant and honest truth could not save them. To all the beauties of the world, I'll be sure to remember my place and wait on you hand and foot as your ugly servant for the rest of your natural lives. Which for the insane ones will extremely short, or the majority of it will be spent trying to maintain that effortlessly beautiful look.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


(Sometime in 2008/09 I didn't look)

Be the Bigger Person? Why?

Have you ever just wanted to be bitter? I suppose most people don't have to consider what it would be like. They just are. All my life, I've been taught that being bitter is selfish. That mistreating others to make yourself feel better isn't the "noble" thing to do. Be the bigger person. Ironically enough, I'm always the bigger person physically, and yes, I know that isn't what that phrase means. But whenever I do something that is competely and totally vindictive, when I alienate the object of my bitterness, when I crush some tender feeling, when I walk over some poor soul, when I give in to the "selfishness" that is bitterness, I have to be completely honest. It is the single most delicious feeling known. It makes you feel so alive, you just want to do it over and over and over again. There is nothing better than revenge. It is a dish best served, cold hot or otherwise. Trust me, I'll take a dish of lukewarm revenge over any other. That having been said, I am remiss to include that I competely hate being that guy. I am not a vindictive person by nature. I take that back. I am a vindictive person by nature. I am also conflicted because I'm a really nice person. A very nice person. Maybe not the nicest of persons, since everytime I want to do something nice, I hate doing that nice thing. It is a constant struggle to treat people the way I know they should treated. That being said, I cringe everytime I think of doing something that could be relegated to the "wrong" category. Its this battle of right and wrong, good and evil, light and dark, whatever analogy you would impose, it is this battle that I think ultimately defines me. For every moment that someone thinks I am being mean, and I deny it, I always am, somewhere in my mind. I'm driven to do what's right, but often times, I am compelled to ignore that drive. Maybe that's something every human deals with. Maybe not. But I do know this. I am willing to admit I want to do what's wrong sometimes. If that isn't your thing, if that offends you, then I suggest you take a serious assessment of who you are, because you are lying to yourself if you honestly believe you don't have the urge to do what's wrong. Am I condoning doing something unacceptable? No. I'm condoning accepting your weaknesses for what they are. Weaknesses. And once you know your weakness, you can begin to lean on your strengths, and even overcome the weaknesses you have.

Grow up.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

So Start Talking

We all know that money talks. We live in a capitalist society, one that is fueled expressly by consumerism. But as consumers, we forget about the power we have. We always think that we need to express our power through the republic of America (yes, the republic. This isn't a democracy. Don't act surprised.) and through voting. Obviously I'm not saying to withhold taxes from the government. That's illegal, and written encouragement to do that is sure to land me in jail. But in most non-illegal situations, I'd like to think that we could exercise our power as consumers. For instance, think about fans of teams that consistently lose and make poor decisions. I'm not picking on the Raiders, but lets discuss Al Davis.

As a whole, can we agree that Al Davis is pretty much the greatest problem the Raiders face? In fact, the SuperBowl run with the Raiders was the worse thing that could have happened to them, because it validated Al Davis and his personnel decisions. And the Raiders have suffered since. So what is a fan to do? STOP GOING TO THE GAMES! If you really loved your team, you would stop supporting their bad decisions. I'm a Titans/Falcons fan (Titans when they came to Nashville, and the Falcons since I've been alive) but when they started kicking quality players, instead of paying them, (Jevon Kearse, Eddie George, Derrick Mason, Steve McNair, etc) I quit supporting them. Are they still my "team"? Yes. Do I buy tickets and merchandise to help fund their (in my opinion) poor decisions? No. In non-sports example, I don't eat at McDonald's because many of their marketing decisions in the 90's were, in my mind, racist. I stopped eating McDonald's in 2000, and (with one exception) haven't eaten or given them my money since. Some would say that McDonald's has thrived and isn't missing my money at all. But what if my entire block had started boycotting? Or my entire neighborhood? City? Am I saying that I want to topple McDonald's as a corporation? No, they supply jobs for a lot of people in a time when jobs are rare. But do I want them to realize that they are held responsible for their decisions as a company, by the consumers? Yes. The same thing applies to fans. Hold your teams responsible. If they're making decisions that are clearly financial in nature, and NOT geared towards winning, make your voice heard through your dollars. Stop financially supporting the team. If enough real hardcore fans stop giving the teams more money when they make poor decisions, they'll realize that they are not immune to responsibility and are somewhat subject to their fanbase.

Ultimately, all I'm saying is you have a voice. If you want something to change, you have the power to make your voice heard through your dollar. Money, itself, doesn't talk, you do.

Leave a comment, or email me.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Real Men Exfoliate

Come with me on a little journey, if you will. I'm in Walmart, buying body wash. The cashier asks me if I have a girlfriend. At first, I'm kinda flattered, even though the cashier's not that hot, then it hits me why she's asking. I use Dove Body Wash. Dove Extra Moisturizing Body Wash with Gentle Exfoliating Beads to be more specific. And the Dove Gentle Exfoliating Beauty Bar. (for my face. I don't care how gentle Dove says those Exfoliating beads are, if one gets in your eye, its a wrap) Reading this, you must think I have horrible skin problems. I don't. I use Dove, my skin is phenomenal. Am I proud to be a heterosexual man who cares for his body? Yes, and I think I should be. Where is it written that men can't take care of their skin? I lift weights, I run, I exercise, and that's all "manly" (in fact so manly that most chicks who lift weights are afraid of looking like men) but when I decide that I don't want to be wrinkly at 30, suddenly I'm feminine? I shouldn't have to go through the self check-out line and avoid eye contact like I'm buying porn mags every time I want some body wash.

Where and when did this line in the gender sand get drawn? And if I cross it, am I breaking some societal rule and risking being a social pariah? Exfoliating isn't some type of gateway act to being feminine. I'm pretty sure that little girls don't start exfoliating and then puberty hits them. When it comes to gender its set in stone, or more specifically, in DNA. You are what you are. Ask any straight dude if he wants to look good. He'll say yeah, I do. Ask him what he does. Weights. Exercise. But what else? Not much. Up until the nineties, some dudes didn't even shower. How'd we go so wrong? At the turn of the century, being a gentleman was all about fashion and taking care of yourself. Men rocked perfume, bought creams that kept the skin "smooth and supple" and understood that being rough was for poor people. Maybe there was some sort of revolt against the aristocracy of the upper class and so now, unless you're rich, you don't bother with that "uppity hygiene stuff" anymore. Don't worry about revolting against the rich, trust me, they get theirs in full. Haven't you seen Titanic? I bet every employee on that boat got off (with the exception of the captain) and the one poor guy I remember dying was Jack and that's only because of Rose being selfish with that door. (He could've gotten on another piece of debris or something. I watched three hours of movie to see the one dude that was kinda cool die?) But I digress...

All I'm saying is be a man, not a boy. Take care of all of you, not just your muscles, and remember, having soft skin doesn't make YOU soft.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Antisocial |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54%
Narcissistic |||||||||||||| 54%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Dependent |||||||||||| 42%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by

That's all the stuff I got wrong with me. Enjoy.

Monday, October 18, 2010

So here's something I posted on Facebook. Essentially this came up during a "discussion" about Ben Roethlisberger while I was in class. My professor (the amazingly loud and all around excellent person, Kristen Scroggins) got pretty unhappy with me saying that we can't assume guilt in the case of either party. I basically got chewed out, which is okay with me, I don't do shouting matches. And even if I did, I have no way to actually out loud Mrs. Scroggins. Seriously, she has the lungs of an opera singer. And from what I understand, she actually is a great singer. I wonder if she googles herself frequently. In the event that she does, I want to point out that the fear of her finding me saying horrible things about her doesn't frighten me from saying them. I honestly could not say a bad thing about her. She is the savior of my college career, and I will probably tell stories to my children about what she has done for me and my college career. Anyway, here's my written thoughts. I'll expound a bit more.

My only concern throughout the discussion deals with our legal system being based on assumed innocence until evidence proves otherwise. I'm all for locking up the guilty, and making sure they are punished for their crimes, butdoing so by using due process. If we just start locking people up because they "look guilty", or have had past offenses, what's to stop someone from assuming because I'm black that I must be a criminal, or because you've been convicted, you are incapable of repentance? As a person who's had unpleasant experiences with police on numerous occasions, I dont relish the kind of world that punishes first and asks questions later, because I've seen first hand the effects of assumed guilt, and I know what it feels like to be treated as if I've comitted a crime when I was innocent.

So here's my point. The justice system is flawed. But its what we got. And guess what? Its not getting any better. If you have the money, you could kill your ex wife and her lover, throw the gloves you used, and drive down the the highway the speed limit and be straight. Or be a raging alcoholic and coke addict and get caught multiple times with drugs and alcohol and never do any real time in jail. I know the system is flawed. I could backhand a dude who just hit my car and because I'm poor, I will do extreme amounts of jail time, AND I will probably have to pay dude for his pain and suffering.

This goes back to a conversation my father, his neighbor, and I had about the fact that black people on the whole DO NOT call the police. Its because for years, the police were like the mongooses (mongeese?) to the cobra of the black people. They're the natural predators of black people. Dave Chappelle said it himself, if he got robbed, he wouldn't call the cops because while he doesn't have the nicest house, but its too nice for the cops to believe its his. That's just the point. Are all police like that? No. But do all black people love chicken? No. But enough of us do that it's a stereotype. But I digress.

The justice system is corrupt. But it is what it is. If you want justice at some future point, you really need to start making the money now. Then you too can pull an OJ on your ex wife and her new boyfriend.