Sunday, November 29, 2009

There ain't no rest fot the wicked/money don't grow on trees/I got bills to pay/I got mouths to feed/ain't nothing in this world for free/you know, I can't slow down/I can't hold back/you know I wish I could/oh there ain't no rest for the wicked/until we close our eyes for good

I feel the constant tug of life. I feel as if I can't stop, because I haven't reached any of my goals. If my life is measured and defined by my goals, then what does that say about my life? Incompletion? Unsuccesful? Its almost enough to depress me. I keep telling myself that I'm only 27, but that "only" doesn't even remotely make a difference. Sigh. Maybe after I take a nap. . .

there ain't no rest for the wicked. . .

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

And we'll all float on, we'll all float on, alright.

Good morning. . .night. . .day. . .whatever it is to everyone. After a three to four month long hiatus, guess who's back? Well obviously, its me, because if it were someone slse, it wouldn't be my blog now would it? So maybe you'd like an update on what's new with me?

I'm back in school! Yes, its true, I am back, and this time around, not slacking off completely, or failing, or losing my mind. I'm also that much closer to being an alumni and not just a constant student. The ensuing celebration will be a) epic and b) at least a week long.

I can't say that I have any really deep thoughts, because its near the end of the semester and I'm actually a little burned out. Actually, I'm more than a little burned out, I'm full blown shot, but I just happened to look at my blog, and felt so pathetic for neglecting my first love (writing) that I figured I'd type out a post for old times sake. Not to worry, I'm going to start trying to at least slowly working my way back to my normal several times a week, but its going to take some time. And structure hopefully will come back with that as well.

Random thought: I fell asleep the other day and had a dream set to The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. It was so weirdly music video. And I danced. I think its because the other night I was doing the "college girl" to that song at a friends house (we were playing Guitar Hero) If you've never seen my "college girl dance" next time you see me, ask me to do it. Its hilarious. If I ever figure out how to video tape myself without a tripod, I'll throw it up on. . .actually no, no I won't. you just have to see it in person, because I don't think the world's ready for that.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

you'll be thrilled to know that I'm on twitter now. It feels as if I'm putting out tons of information, all meant to entertain no less, and for free. . .sigh. Don't feel sorry for me. Its really not for free. I mean, I'm paying for the internet service, so technically I'm losing money.

Follow me if you dare.

I don't even know what that means.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

As you may or may not know, I dislike many many things. Its amazing how much I hate some things. But what's even more amazing is when I meet someone who's all cheer and happiness. I hate to admit it, but I've actually had someone who was all rosey colored glasses tell me that I actually scare her. I gave myself a mental high five. You know why? Because I keep it real. Life is bleak. Things aren't looking great for the human race, or for any other race for that matter. So if you're happy about everything, then guess what? Its like you're barely alive. Trophy fish. What scares me are people who truly are the personification of ignorance is bliss. People who don't know anything, and are happy not knowing anything. And when you try to teach them something, something that will actually make their life easier they say, "oh I don't do that well, so I don't even want to try." I have yet in my life to actually give up on anything. Am I saying that I'm some awesome dude who you should imitate? No. Because I'm definitely not that. But what I am is a man who doesn't understand people who don't want to learn, or go somewhere in life. I'm not trying to climb the corporate ladder, nor am I trying to "better" myself. I am merely a man who values the ability to learn. One day, my mind will be gone. I'm sure of this. In fact, one day, I'll be dead, and I'd like to go out knowing that I have yet to let anything in life beat me.

That's such a random rant.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Maybe I'm just a little crazy, maybe I just don't understand, if you're a woman and I'm a man, why aren't we meant to be?

So here I am. I'm off from work for the next week. I'm doing some general cleaning. And I'm getting ready to go tackle a huge issue. At least a huge issue for me. That of course is applying for tuition reimbursement. I gotta be honest, going back to college sends a tingle down my spine. I have dreams about going back to school and then slacking off, not going to class, or waking up late. Just last night, I had a dream where I didn't even go to class for half a semester. Why am I having these dreams? Well, mainly because that's what happened near the end of my first attempt at college. Its hard to explain, and even harder for me to understand, but I just completely lost motivation.

But here I am. Again. Going back. And I gotta be honest with you, I'm not really feeling the glow of a fresh and happy student. But that having been said, I know some of that is just my mind playing tricks on me. Because at the end of the day, I'm just a little insecure about the only thing that's ever beat me in life. And I hope to, in a year and a half or so, be able to say that I've cleared that hurdle. Actually, I don't hope to do it. Unless I die or suffer some kind of damage to my mind, I intend to be able say it. Ah, there's the old cocky Javann we know and love.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Here's a quick thought, cause I gotta jet in like 14 minutes, and I'm definitely not dressed, or ready to go anywhere, though I pretty much will throw on a T-shirt and jeans.

Recently a friend of mine and I were talking about movies, and how all the independent movies were essentially exercises in depression and always portrayed life as being horrible. Its rare you see an independent film end happily, often times, they end with two people who don't understand what's going on deciding they will not know anything and be lost together. Which is pretty sad, really. But I think the real problem is that many independent movies try to be the second act. In a trilogy, oftentimes the best movie in a trilogy or the best act of three is the second. Its because of the conflict, the tragedy. But what really made the second act awesome is that it didn't have to resolve any of the conflict they started. Its like trashing an hotel, and not having to pay for it. Its all the wreckage and none of the responsibility. But what we should remember is that somewhere, someone has to pay for it. Someone has to be responsible and tie up loose ends. Normally that's the third acts job, but if there is not third act, everyone's left feeling like crap. I know this seems disjointed, and that's mainly because it is. I'm strapped for time here people, I got stuff to do and I well, I'm procrastinating by blogging. Really its a poor choice, but I don't really care about how poor a choice it is, because I rarely do. Anyway, enough of my procrastination.

Though last thought, what the heck is up with people calling me conceited? Since when was a healthy dose of self confidence a bad thing? I'm sorry I'm not setting myself up for anorexia or or other mental issues because I actually LIKE being me. Geez.. .

Saturday, May 16, 2009

So for those who didn't know, I play an instrument. Do I play it well? Not really. But I play it. Recently, I've been recording some music, doing my musical thing kind of as a way to chill out and learn something new. Which is working okay for me I guess, but then again, how would I know? You know when you hear some amazing artists make something that you could listen to over and over again, and it just awes you to hear how they were able to make something so beautiful? Yeah, something gets lost in translation when you're the one holding the guitar, or the mouse and bass in my case. Hmm, that'd be a cool name for an album. . .anyway, that's just the point. I don't know if I'm making the best music ever, or if I'm making the same trite crap I hate listening to. Maybe my musical confidence is shot, who knows? When I hear some of the stuff I've been working on, its all partially done, even stuff that I did years ago, because I always can think of something else to do to it. Which is a good thing right? I mean I'll never be so confident that I'll place my music on the doorstep of the world and dare them not to fall in love with it instantly. Though, I will admit, I so want to do that. That having been said, I will say that its like I'm at the verge of making several good songs, and I just can't finish it. Its times like this when I really wish I had a band that didn't do anything else in life, but make music. Its not like I don't do other things, its just that my schedule is pretty much the best ever for solo pursuits. I only work weekend nights. That means during the week, I am free to do any and everything I want. And its pretty sweet. Until you realize that you're alone because all the cool social stuff that happens on the weekend happens while you're happily working away. And that, my good friends, does suck.

Anyway, I think this is enough of my random talking. Go do something else, I'm going to go write some blues. Or something.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Let me start off by saying first that I generally take criticism well. Actually, no, I take that back. I don't take criticism well. My gut reaction to being criticized is similar to the knee jerk reaction, except of course I react with my fist. So my first reaction to hey, Javann whar you're doing kind of sucks is to punch you, the critic, square in the teeth. That having been said, I'd like to see any of you out there try to cricize me without ducking.

Of course, I'm just joking. I have yet to actually punch someone who criticized me, and honestly, I generally welcome it when someone does. But you know what I really hate? When I ask for an opinion, say some music I'm working on, and somone's like, yeah its good, sounds great, then later when I listen to whatever it was, I think, man this sucks, why didn't (won't point fingers but you know who you are) so and so tell me this sucks? Were they sparing my feelings? The sad part is I probably could've done better, but since someone who heard it objectively without any bias (or at least that's what I thought) was like no its good, I thought, oh well its good enough, I don't need to put anymore work in on it. Which is why I think most people are more critical of themselves because they truthfully can't trust most people when it comes to an honest opinion. I know I can't. And I don't understand this need to spare my feelings when, honestly, most friends of mine know that I wouldn't give you the same consideration. If you ask me to be honest and critique something, there's a solid chance that I will rip you or it a new one. I mean lets face it, I'm not known for my incredible propensity to actually like things. I am by nature a critical person of course. If you don't believe me, go back through my blog and really read some of it. I suggest most of the posts from 2004, with a few vintage posts from 2003 thrown in for good measure.

Which brings me to yet another point. I've blogging now for almost five years. seriously. That's a super long time. SO far I've only written 440 or so posts, I was going to go all statistician on it and give these wonderful numerics, but honestly, I just don't feel like doing all that. I will however say this. Maybe you haven't noticed, but many of the sites that started when mine did (the Knoxville one comes to mind, as does Misconstruedthoughts, which by the way, I sorta helped birth) have come and gone. Yet, this my weird little blog has withstood the test of time. I used to have multiple contributors of course (and I'm still kind of leaning towards doing another open call to people who'd want to contribute to my site, more on that later) but thus far I have not lost the desire to (occasionally) express my opinion on a little bit of everything. Pretty much every area of American suburban life has been touched by my Southern charm. (I can't type that with a straight face) And now, after all is said and done, I can't help wondering:

Why the heck did I not figure out how to get paid for this?

I just don't get it. I should have put a donations through PayPal link up or something, or even just sold some ad space, but honestly, all of this typing for what? With the exception of some of it being turned in last moment as a journal assignment for a class I had back in 03 (or was that 04, my college years blur together)I've not gotten any personal benefit from this blog. So I guess what I'm saying in a round about way, is

You're welcome.

I've managed to enrich your life and hopefully make you smile, maybe think a little, and of course, question my sanity. I think my work here is done.

Though, I will say, this is by no means over.

till next time.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

I remember when, I remember, I remember when/I lost my mind/There was something so pleasant about that place/even your emotions have an echo, in that much space/And when you're out there/yeah out there without a care/Yeah, I was out of touch/But it wasn't because I didn't know enough/it was because I knew too much/does that make me crazy?

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||| 38%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 62%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 70%
Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 70%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Histrionic |||||||||| 34%
Narcissistic |||||||||||||||| 66%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 58%
Dependent |||||||||| 38%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 42%
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Possibly. . .