Thursday, December 20, 2007

Sometimes you just feel the need to get out of town, you know?
So I'm in the beautiful town of Nashville today, hanging out with my good friends Tre and ReG. That's pretty much the long and short of it. I don't have a lot to say, but I will say sometimes I just feel the need to leave town. So I did. I gotta admit, it feels great. I'll write more whenever I can think of something worthwhile. For now, I'm going to go practice playing my harmonica.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Guess who's back? Back again?
So. . .here we are. I started this blog in college, because it was "the thing to do", never did work out that not being a follower thing and over the years, there's been pictures of the hulk, samples of songs I liked, my thoughts, well really my rants, on any and everything, and of course, my favorite, what I like to call jerk vision. That would be these extremely biased italicized comments that generally say what I'm afraid to say. Or just quotes songs and movies. Whatever. And here I am. A college dropout. Or least I was a college dropout, for now, now I am a college student once more. And I know what you're thinking, didn't college break me? Turn me into a quivering mass of flesh consumed with anger? First, I should point out that while those thoughts are eloquent and a tad bit disturbing, they are rather accurate. Yes, I got broken. Higher learning and academics turned me into a bitter shell of a man. And I think admitting that there was something that I couldn't do, actually made me a better person. Knowing that I can't do everything, knowing that I'm not invincible, that my mind isn't some automatic safety net really helped me to understand something. If I want anything, in this life or another, I have to earn it. Nothing lasts forever, so to speak, but nothing is ever given to you. If someone hands you something, there is always a cost, there is always something that you must do. You may not earn the right to have that thing, but you do need to show that you want it. So now, now I am going back to the very establishment which spit me out, and I am standing tall, older, wiser, and a considerable deal more intelligently, and I am defying it to do me in again. I know that I have what it takes, and what's more, I know that history will not repeat itself, if for no other reason than I won't let it beat me again. So if you like an underdog story, if you want to know if I can take a KO punch and keep swinging, then keep coming back here, because I will continue documenting my rise from the canvas. Or at least start blogging again. With some regularity. Or maybe none at all. I really couldn't say with any definitive statement. But come back. I'll definitely make it worth your while.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Its been awhile. . .

Two years ago, I was here.
But I really didn't want to be here.
I wanted to be anywhere
See if you knew where here was,
if you knew you'd envy me,
hate me
want to be me,
but ultimately,
you'd be glad you weren't here.
Potentially trapped,
potential that remains untapped,
its actually unsettling,
not that I'm settling
but I'm not settled,
I'm not well, not worth my "mettle"
I can't even make my thoughts rhyme,
let alone just nod my head on time,
to a beat that everyone else hears,
its like being a guest star on Cheers,
my worthy peers,
know what they hold dear,
they live they laugh,
and to me I guess its clear,
the hunger I held,
the hunger I still hold,
will always be young,
even when I grow old.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Have you ever just wanted to be bitter? I suppose most people don't have to consider what it would be like. They just are. All my life, I've been taught that being bitter is selfish. That mistreating others to make yourself feel better isn't the "noble" thing to do. Be the bigger person. Ironically enough, I'm always the bigger person physically, and yes, I know that isn't what that phrase means. But whenever I do something that is competely and totally vindictive, when I alienate the object of my bitterness, when I crush some tender feeling, when I walk over some poor soul, when I give in to the "selfishness" that is bitterness, I have to be completely honest. It is the single most delicious feeling known. It makes you feel so alive, you just want to do it over and over and over again. There is nothing better than revenge. It is a dish best served, cold hot or otherwise. Trust me, I'll take a dish of lukewarm revenge over any other. That having been said, I am remiss to include that I competely hate being that guy. I am not a vindictive person by nature. I take that back. I am a vindictive person by nature. I am also conflicted because I'm a really nice person. A very nice person. Maybe not the nicest of persons, since everytime I want to do something nice, I hate doing that nice thing. It is a constant struggle to treat people the way I know they should treated. That being said, I cringe everytime I think of doing something that could be relegated to the "wrong" category. Its this battle of right and wrong, good and evil, light and dark, whatever analogy you would impose, it is this battle that I think ultimately defines me. For every moment that someone thinks I am being mean, and I deny it, I always am, somewhere in my mind. I'm driven to do what's right, but often times, I am compelled to ignore that drive. Maybe that's something every human deals with. Maybe not. But I do know this. I am willing to admit I want to do what's wrong sometimes. If that isn't your thing, if that offends you, then I suggest you take a serious assessment of who you are, because you are lying to yourself if you honestly believe you don't have the urge to do what's wrong. Am I condoning doing something unacceptable? No. I'm condoning accepting your weaknesses for what they are. Weaknesses. And once you know your weakness, you can begin to lean on your strengths, and even overcome the weaknesses you have.

Grow up.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

How wrong would that really be?

So here we are...the blog. Its dusty, its not been used in a while, and I gotta tell you, lately, I've not felt up to doing anything worthwhile or posting anything. I feel like I'm shooting in the dark. That alone should be reason enough to stop. Bullets drop back down to earth, and the last thing I want to do is to be shot by my plummeting attempts at hitting something, anything.

Does that mean I'm done? Not quite. I'm just trying to figure somethings out. I'll get back to you on it when I do.

Monday, June 04, 2007

So apparently, its been a while since i posted. I have to be honest with you, I've not had a lot to say. Its like I'm in a car flying down some road I've never really been on before, and somehow, I'm trying to describe things I've never seen to someone who's blind.

Well maybe nothing that poetic. But I'm definitely traveling a route I've never taken before. Honestly, there's nothing better than knowing that you are forging new territory every day. I guess when it comes to ourselves, we'll always be innovators and trailblazers, since we'll always have to constantly write new chapters about ourselves. Indeed.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Sometimes I just want to go outside at night and scream Hello into the darkness. Just to see if anyone answers back.

My car's in the shop, so I'm sitting at home from work, after getting a ride home, with not much to do. The sad thing is that I could have sworn I'd have more to do at home today. Oh sure I could wash my laundry, do a little cleaning, work out, or even practice my skating moves (I'm getting good. . .well better than I was). But its 1021 and honestly, I don't feel like doing all that much right now. Which leaves me here. At this computer. Typing to people I either don't know or who probably only exist in my head. Oh and my mother, who reads my blog to see what's "new" with me. But there's rarely anything new. My life is nothing like Doogie Howser, where every few entries he had learned a new lesson in life that he could apply from now on. I've learned no new lessons at all. And I think that I'm okay with things that way. If I had to learn new life lessons everyday, it'd be a difficult life. Every thirty minutes, (well really twenty if you account for commercial) I'd be saying, "man, (insert name here) really got upset today. At first, I couldn't understand why, but now after (insert other name here) did the same thing to me, I felt the pain of (insert the first name here) ten times over. From now on, I'm never going to (insert thing) to (insert first name) because we're friends. And I think that's what being friends is all about."

Anyway, here's a link. Go ahead, it won't bite.

Friday, March 23, 2007


Those following my recent blogging know that I am slightly perturbed with the sudden surge in popularity of TV on the Radio. I just don't get them. At least that's what I thought. That's right. I'm on the bandwagon. The deciding factor is actually a pretty cool story.

So for the last six or seven months, I've had this song that keeps popping in and out of my head. I have no idea as to who its by, and I can't remember any chorus or words. All I know is that I'll be sitting around and then I'll be singing this song in some kind of guttural moan. I tried singing it to other people to see if they knew it and of course, due to my inability to translate the thought to sound waves, all I got were blank stares. Fast forward to pretty much five minutes ago, when I was sorting through some mp3's on my iPod (translation: being OCD and labeling every song with its proper artist, name, and track number) when I heard the song. I was literally beside myself. Then I looked at the title. It was Staring At the Sun by (yep) TV on the Radio. This song has all but haunted my dreams for the last six or seven months, if not longer. I've been singing that song off and on for a very very long time. Why? I don't know, I guess I like it, though I'd like a deeper metaphysical answer than that.

All I know is this song, this band has gained official Javann status. I know they're probably going to go out and celebrate tonight, but that means a lot. This was a band I'd written off, and they have come to life. They get Javann status and the coveted Lazarus award.

So long story short, if you haven't been listening to TV on the Radio, go listen to that song and if it doesn't haunt your very dreams then write them off. Its okay, they'll be back.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

When was the last time you woke up in the morning and you didn't feel a little lost? I don't mean where-am-I lost, I mean lost as in what am I doing here? Maybe everything is going very well for you and then suddenly, you wake up and you're very much there but not sure what there is. Maybe I should be happy I'm waking up every morning. For some reason, that never seems enough. I guess I've awakened every morning for the last twenty four (almost twenty five) years and I've grown accustomed to it. Does that mean I'm losing focus, that maybe I should just be happy for what I'm taking for granted? Maybe. Nothing is promised for tomorrow, and every morning I draw breath is a blessing. But is it wrong to want more? I'd like to think I was created to want more than to just be alive. But was it the more I'm looking for. I'd like to pretend like I know, but in all honesty, I don't have a clue. I guess I always kind of hope that someday I'll figure it out, since no one likes being lost. Not that it hasn't been a good ride, but well, a ride going somewhere you've never been before seems like it take forever. Maybe that's why I feel lost. I know what I'm doing, and well, its nothing I've done before, so now it feels as if I'm lost. Bah. I tire of introspection.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I've been sick the last few days. Its kind of sucked. Because I just got over another illness that made me feel terrible. I don't know about you, but I don't do the illness thing very well. I hate being sick. Of course, I'm sure there's not anyone out there who relishes the idea, but I really really hate being sick. I think I got the world beat on this one. I hate it so much, that when I'm sick, I literally hate myself for being sick. Okay, that's a bit extreme, and also a bit untrue, but it emphasizes how much I hate being sick. I think the thing I hate the most is the congestion. BEcause there's no polite way to relieve oneself of the congestion. I've tried numerous ways, and none of them worked. And you don't sniff, then you have the problem of feeling like there's snot running down your face. That certainly isn't polite. I don't think Ms. Manners was thinking of the general sick population when she was writing her list of etiquette do's and don'ts for the rest of us. Actually, that was a bit rude of her.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

For your general enjoyment. . .a story
I'm in a weird place right now. Its like the water's up to my neck, and I can't swim, and I can feel my toes leaving the bottom, hear the water rushing in, and in my head, I hear myself wondering again and again, "how'm I getting out of this?"

Hmm. . .yeah, I guess then you must feel a little trapped.

Well, not exactly trapped. More like my hand has been forced.

What do you mean?

My hand. . .has. . .been. . .forced. Its almost as if now I must do something so incredible, so improbable to escape where I am that its not even about overcoming, as much as its the only thing I can do.

So. . .because you're in so deep, what you do now its heroism?

No, its really just me doing the only thing I can. Like picture this: A man wakes up in the middle of the night. There's smoke everywhere, so thick that he can't breathe. The heat of the fire has saturated the air, and its almost impossible to tell where its coming from. He jumps up quick and locates his family and pulls them out of the family, almost dying from smoke inhalation. The next day he's in the papers as a hero.

And he should be right?

Right, he should be. Now picture that same man, trying to get out of the house and in his desperate rush for survival, he awakens his family. They rush out with him, and now they all survive. But is he a hero?

No. . .

NO! He's a coward of the worse sort, because he would have left his family behind. Fortunately, for him and for his family, he's just clumsy enough in the dense smoke to knock over objects and alert those around him. I'm that man. I'm not heroic. I'm just in a situation where I've no choice but knock some stuff around. Anything that happens because of that has nothing to do with my being brave, or courageous, or any such nonsense. I fight because I have to.

Because you feel you have to?

No because I have to. I fight because I have to fight. There's no in between. At least I don't think there is.

Maybe there is and you don't know it?

No. . .I think of all people, as the smoke fills my lungs, I would be able to feel it.


Metaphor. Anyway, this isn't a time for talk either way. Lets go.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Adam was lonely.

Everyone gets lonely sometimes. Its not necessarily a state of solitude. ( did I spell that right?) I've been in a crowd full of people and been miserable. I've been in a conversations where I would swear I was the only one there. Oh sure, the other person was talking, but they definitely weren't where I was. I guess deep down inside, every human is singularly hoping to find someone they "connect" with. We all want someone we know cares, unconditionally, and no matter what we say or do, even if our actions or words are appalling, that connective being will always see us for the person we are inside, and not what we do.

Of course, I'm not wrong in saying that in most cases, that is a little too much to ask for. There is no special someone (human, of course) who will right all that is wrong, or that will resolve all the issues that pester us. To believe otherwise would be to live with a romanticized view of the world. A view which would only serve to dishearten us further.

Or perhaps that hope that somewhere out there, there's someone who's looking for you (in a strict non-horror movie kind of a way of course) and sincerely feels empty without you is just motivation for continuing the search. I suppose it all depends on whether or not your glass is half full or half empty. Personally, I like to say the glass is half empty, when I really think its half full.

I just realized this seems awfully convenient for this time of year. Whoops.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Let me be the first to say, yes, I've been gone for awhile. Its really not you, I swear. If its anyone its me. It just. . .isn't the same anymore. At least not to me.

So I'm sure right now you're dying to know what's going on with me. Well, computer usage time is getting pretty hard to come by. A whole different set of circumstances to tell the truth, and if you couple that with a decling lack of enthusiasm on my part for writing my deepest thoughts in a public forum for pretty much anyone who would care to see it (translation, for two people to read) then you can see why I've not blogged in a while. On a plus side, I'm a month into 2007, and already I've made several life changing decisions. Good, no?

Life Changing Decisions!
1) I need to go back to school.
a) Its not that I don't enjoy being a FedEx courier, but this is truly a dead end job. And I also hate to say it, but while I'm good at my job, the constraints that my employer is placing on me are becoming increasingly more difficult, almost to the point that my actual job is almost impossible. Funny right? Nope, not funny at all.
b) In my search for something with a good deal more stability, I'm finding that every job I apply for requires a degree or some specific training. Training that I'm not getting at my current job, and of course, a degree I've not earned yet. Yay.
c) And the most important (short term) reason I can think of for going back to school? Decreased membership fees at what is still the best gym in town. If that's a not a reason, then pray tell, what is? Which bring us to. . .

2) I gotta start working out. Preferrably at a gym.
a) At my "dead end job" I finally got moved away from emptying canisters of packages. It was quite a cardiovascular workout for me. In fact, one so intense that it kept me in quite possibly the best post-high school shape I've been in. Now I'm not doing it anymore. Now I load trucks. Which is sadly a serious decline in physicality. So guess what? If I keep my current complacent lifestyle which involves me not really working out after I work, I will turn in a fat lazy sloppy pig. And as much as I enjoy the lazy pig aspects of that, I don't want to be fat or sloppy. Or unhealthy.
b) Which, coincidentally, is why I've decided to stop eating fast food. Wait let me finish. When I turn thirty. You didn't really think I was going to give that up, did you? But I am limiting how much of it I eat. Which I've been doing for the last five months or so.

So there you go, I hope you feel up to date on all things Javann. If not, feel free to call or text me. I'll tell you everything you'd ever want to know. Actually, probably not. In fact, don't call or text me. That was a bad idea waiting to ferment into my demise.

Monday, January 08, 2007

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Paid an extreme amount of money to get my car fixed. I gotta tell, you it hit me where it hurt. Seriously. I'm not too happy about that.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I lack the resolve to do anything, including resolve things for new years.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Uh. . .no actually, no one close to me gave birth. Well, Kelly at work had a son. Does that count?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Ben Williamson passed away.
5. What countries did you visit?
America, baby! Oh wait, I live here. None other than that.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A full time job. That would be cool.

7. What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
As I get older, more and more stuff begins getting blurry, to the point that really, I don't remember anything well, but everything still comes back to me from time to time.
8. What were your biggest achievements of the year?
Heh, not getting fired from my job I guess.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting fired from my job. =)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
About twenty or so cuts all up and down my right arm, and a few nicks in my now bald head.
11. What were the best things you bought?
iPod clock radio (on sale!) a really cool camoflauge karambit, and a few hats.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Any friends that I still have that put up with me and all that is entailed with that.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No one appalled me this year. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, gas, gadgets, CAR REPAIRS!!, and oh yeah, food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
District Convention
Peak season
Circuit Overseers visit
Few other random things here and there

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
My Love - Justin Timberlake (it was just the hottest song to come out this year)
The Blues From Down Here - TV on the Radio (this isn't my official "I get them" statement, its just I really like this song)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
(a) happier or sadder? Happier
(b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, thank god
(c) richer or poorer? Richer, definitely richer in experience and believe it or not, in money too. Though I'm still broke.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Traveling, and wish I'd done more thinking period

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Working, acting without rational thought, involuntary spending (Redstone, if you overdraft my account one more time, I swear!)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Somewhere dark quiet, and thankfully non-festive

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nopers. No love to report. Sorry. Don't hold your breath for next year, I'm pretty sure this won't change.

23. How many one-night stands?
I've got this nice plastic rubber maid storage drawer set that I keep next to my bed, has my clock radio on it, so I guess you can call it a night stand. And it is a singular.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Heroes. Ooooh, that show is a beast!
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
My list of abhorrance is only comparable to my list of mistakes.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Art of War
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
M.F. Doom, Mad Libs, Gnarls Barkley (though I really I already knew about Cee Lo, since 95 and Danger Mouse since the grey album) TV on the Radio, Asobi Seksu, Mylo, Ellen Allien with Apparat, and who can forget the Artic Monkeys?
28. What did you want and get?
Fixed car, oxygen, and more friends

29. What did you want and not get?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Toss up between Fearless and Talladega Nights. Talladega Nights wasn't really all that funny at first but after I saw it again, I realized that is definitely hilarious
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24 on July 7th, I basically did what I did on every other day of my life.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Learning more. About anything. Finding more friends, and staying friends with a few that moved away.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Crazy sophisticated son. I went all out this last year with some of the best fashion I've showcased in years. Partly due to the loss in weight.

34. What kept you sane?
Who said I was sane?

35. Which celebrity figure did you fancy the most?
Jessica Biel.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The incredibly infallibleness of world issues to conform to Bible prophecy.

37. Who did you miss?
Uh. . .um. . .I don't think I missed anyone.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
The Don, Boston Mike, Purple Hayes

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006?
If you just be yourself, you'll never have to be anyone else.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I am a one way motorway
I’m the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I’m a white light blinding bright
Burning off and on!

(Uh huh)

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

(Uh huh)

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

That's a wrap people!