Saturday, November 13, 2010

Whose Fault Is It Anyway?

If love was a company, it would be up for a government bail out right about now. When I say love, I don't mean just relationships, though I'm going to focus solely on them as a indication of the love disappearing. But I'm really talking about love. I feel like JT singing "where is the love?" wasn't just a pop hit. Check this statistic. According to the current American divorce rate for first marriages is about fifty percent. Fifty percent? That means one out of every two marriages will fail. When I look at my friends who are married, while its not at fifty percent, I can see marriages falling apart and being absolved. More and more people are against marriage after considering these statistics, preferring to live together because ultimately, why give someone half your stuff, or even for that matter all of your heart when the odds are 1-1 that you'll fail?

So, whose fault is this? Why aren't men and women in relationships getting along? Over the years, it seems that the changing societal norms and gender roles have upset some type of balance. While listening to a podcast, one black man postulated (you like that word usage right?) that black women weren't worth someone's relationship efforts. He felt and believed that dating a white woman is easier, and having to search for a black woman who is the "right woman" takes longer, so why bother? I think this shows an underlying current as to why relationships fail. NO ONE WANTS TO WORK.

Let me reiterate please. No one wants to work. Who told you that relationships were supposed to be easy? Last I checked, NO ONE is perfect, and NO ONE does everything the same way. Any relationship you have, and especially the serious ones, takes work. WORK. Case in point: I live with my sister. We get along okay. And by that I mean she does at least two things a day that make me grind my teeth. But its okay. You know why? Because I know she puts up with what I do. For every preference I have, I know she has her own, and the reason we get along is because we understand compromise. And in any relationship, there will be compromise and there will be work.

Also, I think its too easy to get out of relationships, because we've made it too easy to get into them. How many people make what should be serious commitments based on weeks or even a few months of information? Marriage is serious. Its not meant to be done blindly, or without any serious knowledge. When the vows say "til death do us part," that should resonate with the people making them. No one doubts how serious death is. When someone decides to commit suicide to get out of a situation, how many times have we thought, "was it that serious for real?" Because quite frankly, if you have to DIE to get out of something, THAT'S serious. I don't need to say that if you die, that's a wrap for you. Life is over. Just me saying those last few statements proves my point. How many of you felt that was unnecessary? I thought it was, because honestly, while I was typing it, I was questioning why I felt the need to type it. If you take marriage so seriously, that getting out requires seppuku, then guess what? You'll start working to make that marriage work, or maybe even think about those two words ("I do") before you say them. Now I'm not saying if the other party is abusive, emotionally (by cheating or verbal abuse) or physically, that you have to stay with them, in those cases I can understand separations and divorces, but if you're not compatible so you want out, that's on you. You had your entire life to decide who you wanted to marry, if you didn't take the time to truly figure out if you and the person you've decided to give everything (or in the prenup case, half to three-quarters) to, don't whine about how it didn't work out. And if you are in a horrible relationship, if you're both maintaining fidelity, and both working to make each other happy, are you seriously telling me you can't make it work?

Another thought on that same subject: at what point did we get too proud to be willing to give? If you're not willing to give, not willing to please anyone other than yourself, you will find yourself, by yourself. In other words, eventually, in a relationship the other person is going to want something from you. And its not much of a relationship if you're not willing to give them something. For some reason, and I have noticed this to be more prevalent among men, its a bad thing when you make sacrifices for your mate/spouse/significant other. I think it stems back to the idea of getting "played" or "used" by women with evil intentions. Some men are, for the most part, afraid of being taken advantage of that they refuse to open to anyone. I can't even begin trying to break apart the psychosis behind that, because honestly it hits a little too close to home, i.e. I'm guilty of it and I'm not sure I'm ready to climb down from my soapbox and work out my own issues in this public of a forum.

Ultimately, until we as individuals, learn to confront our individual demons, and actually try to meet each other halfway, or maybe even a little farther than halfway, we're going to keep having this loveless epidemic. I hope we get it together and get together.


happinessiseasy said...

It is sad how many marriages I see fail. But the 50% number is a myth:

Javann said...

Thanks for the input. I didn't realize that every state didn't accurately report its divorce rate. But I'm sure that the divorce rate is rising, and its higher now than it was maybe ten years ago.