Its been awhile. . .

Two years ago, I was here.
But I really didn't want to be here.
I wanted to be anywhere
See if you knew where here was,
if you knew you'd envy me,
hate me
want to be me,
but ultimately,
you'd be glad you weren't here.
Potentially trapped,
potential that remains untapped,
its actually unsettling,
not that I'm settling
but I'm not settled,
I'm not well, not worth my "mettle"
I can't even make my thoughts rhyme,
let alone just nod my head on time,
to a beat that everyone else hears,
its like being a guest star on Cheers,
my worthy peers,
know what they hold dear,
they live they laugh,
and to me I guess its clear,
the hunger I held,
the hunger I still hold,
will always be young,
even when I grow old.
Right?

Have you ever just wanted to be bitter? I suppose most people don't have to consider what it would be like. They just are. All my life, I've been taught that being bitter is selfish. That mistreating others to make yourself feel better isn't the "noble" thing to do. Be the bigger person. Ironically enough, I'm always the bigger person physically, and yes, I know that isn't what that phrase means. But whenever I do something that is competely and totally vindictive, when I alienate the object of my bitterness, when I crush some tender feeling, when I walk over some poor soul, when I give in to the "selfishness" that is bitterness, I have to be completely honest. It is the single most delicious feeling known. It makes you feel so alive, you just want to do it over and over and over again. There is nothing better than revenge. It is a dish best served, cold hot or otherwise. Trust me, I'll take a dish of lukewarm revenge over any other. That having been said, I am remiss to include that I competely hate being that guy. I am not a vindictive person by nature. I take that back. I am a vindictive person by nature. I am also conflicted because I'm a really nice person. A very nice person. Maybe not the nicest of persons, since everytime I want to do something nice, I hate doing that nice thing. It is a constant struggle to treat people the way I know they should treated. That being said, I cringe everytime I think of doing something that could be relegated to the "wrong" category. Its this battle of right and wrong, good and evil, light and dark, whatever analogy you would impose, it is this battle that I think ultimately defines me. For every moment that someone thinks I am being mean, and I deny it, I always am, somewhere in my mind. I'm driven to do what's right, but often times, I am compelled to ignore that drive. Maybe that's something every human deals with. Maybe not. But I do know this. I am willing to admit I want to do what's wrong sometimes. If that isn't your thing, if that offends you, then I suggest you take a serious assessment of who you are, because you are lying to yourself if you honestly believe you don't have the urge to do what's wrong. Am I condoning doing something unacceptable? No. I'm condoning accepting your weaknesses for what they are. Weaknesses. And once you know your weakness, you can begin to lean on your strengths, and even overcome the weaknesses you have.

Grow up.

How wrong would that really be?

So here we are...the blog. Its dusty, its not been used in a while, and I gotta tell you, lately, I've not felt up to doing anything worthwhile or posting anything. I feel like I'm shooting in the dark. That alone should be reason enough to stop. Bullets drop back down to earth, and the last thing I want to do is to be shot by my plummeting attempts at hitting something, anything.

Does that mean I'm done? Not quite. I'm just trying to figure somethings out. I'll get back to you on it when I do.

So apparently, its been a while since i posted. I have to be honest with you, I've not had a lot to say. Its like I'm in a car flying down some road I've never really been on before, and somehow, I'm trying to describe things I've never seen to someone who's blind.


Well maybe nothing that poetic. But I'm definitely traveling a route I've never taken before. Honestly, there's nothing better than knowing that you are forging new territory every day. I guess when it comes to ourselves, we'll always be innovators and trailblazers, since we'll always have to constantly write new chapters about ourselves. Indeed.

Sometimes I just want to go outside at night and scream Hello into the darkness. Just to see if anyone answers back.

My car's in the shop, so I'm sitting at home from work, after getting a ride home, with not much to do. The sad thing is that I could have sworn I'd have more to do at home today. Oh sure I could wash my laundry, do a little cleaning, work out, or even practice my skating moves (I'm getting good. . .well better than I was). But its 1021 and honestly, I don't feel like doing all that much right now. Which leaves me here. At this computer. Typing to people I either don't know or who probably only exist in my head. Oh and my mother, who reads my blog to see what's "new" with me. But there's rarely anything new. My life is nothing like Doogie Howser, where every few entries he had learned a new lesson in life that he could apply from now on. I've learned no new lessons at all. And I think that I'm okay with things that way. If I had to learn new life lessons everyday, it'd be a difficult life. Every thirty minutes, (well really twenty if you account for commercial) I'd be saying, "man, (insert name here) really got upset today. At first, I couldn't understand why, but now after (insert other name here) did the same thing to me, I felt the pain of (insert the first name here) ten times over. From now on, I'm never going to (insert thing) to (insert first name) because we're friends. And I think that's what being friends is all about."

Anyway, here's a link. Go ahead, it won't bite.