Monday, December 19, 2005

You miss me? No not really.

"What are you laughing at?"
"Nothing really."
"No, don't tell me that you're laughing at nothing. You can't laugh at nothing. Nothing isn't funny. Nothing doesn't make you laugh. So obviously you're laughing at something."
"First, nothing is funny. Like that Twilight Zone episode, where everyone dies in a nuclear holocaust but that one man, and he finally feels as if he has time to read, without all the hassles of life, but then he breaks his glasses. What does he have left that? Nothing. And that, my friend, is hilarious."
"That's not hilarious, that's sad, and you're a sick man to find that kind of humor hilarious. You didn't even think it was mildy funny, you think that its hilarious. Seriously, I don't know what's wrong with you sometimes. . ."
"Secondly, I wasn't laughing. Laughing requires belly movement, and loud peals. I was more chuckling, or even though I know it sounds totally gay, I was giggling."
"You're right, it does sound gay. You're absolutely right that 'giggling' sounds gay. Little school girls giggle while they pass notes in class. Nuns giggle when they hear a particularly clean Bible joke involving Goliath and the Virgin Mary or something. . ."
"Goliath and the Virgin Mary? What are you even talking about? They're from two different eras in the. . ."
"Look, I don't sit around reading jokes involving Bible characters. I'm not in the business of entertaining nuns with clean Bible jokes, am I?
"I didn't say you did, but surely you know something about the Bible. Like Goliath is towards the front, and Mary doesn't get involved till almost the end?"
"Look, what exactly were you laughing at? I don't have time to sit here and argue about what I do and do not know about clean Bible jokes for nuns."
"I wasn't laughing, I was chuckling."
"Okay, fine, what were you 'chuckling' about?"
"None of your business."
"None of my. . .none of my. . .what do you mean, 'none of my business'? What did you take that giggling school girl persona to heart? Do I have to write you a folded up letter that has hearts and one word in the middle?"
"If you don't know how to ask, then I don't know how to answer."
"Oh, I know how to ask, and I just did. What were you giggling about Bobby Sue? How about that, did you like when I called you Bobby Sue? What about Peggy Jean?"
"Look, you don't need to start throwing insults, or calling names. . ."
"Why not? 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me' right? Isn't that how that schoolgirl stuff goes?"
"Alright look, you're starting to push me a little too far, and believe me. . ."
"Am I? Well, I don't particularly care. You know why?"
"No, no I don't. So tell me. Why? Why don't you care?"
"Because its not any of my business that's why."
"You know what, you are one seriously sick jerk."
"I'm sick? I'm the sick one? No, I'm not the one who thinks they're a schoolgirl, giggling and passing notes about how dreamy Brad's eyes are."
"It wasn't a giggle."
"Oh it wasn't? What was it then?"
"I told you twice already, I chuckled and if you'd just ask nicely, maybe with a please, or even in the form of an inquiry, any inquiry imaginable, then I'd tell what I chuckled over."
"Okay, fine. What, pray tell, were you chuckling about?"
"That's better, but you forgot. . ."
"PLEASE!! Alright, are you happy now? PLEASE!!!"
"Thank you. You know how the major holiday's all center around eating, because, this is America, and that's what we do. We eat. There's nothing else we should do at all but eat. But you know, the two major holidays involve turkey. There's never a holiday where people just sit down and attack a chicken or a cow. And I was thinking, you know, kinda dreaming really, about a chicken a cow, a pilgrim and like, I don't know, Santa Claus, you know some kinda authority over Christmas, because we know its not Jesus, all kinda sitting around at a board room table, with the lights dimmed, kinda agreeing to a deal. Like the cows will bring in turkey's and geese, and the chickens will make sure they never realize this deal happened. That's when I started chuckling."
"I can't believe you made me ask nicely for that. Shut up, stop thinking, and lets get out of here."
"Let's go."


Anonymous said...

I'm rubber your glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you

Kris Allyson said...

Your writing never disappoints. Very entertaining. :-)

Jonathan said...

Oh hey cool are you writing a kid's book, too?

Javann said...

You know it. Its called, "if you're an idiot, you deserve to be mocked, derided and banished from society, with a rainbow". I think it'll be pretty good.