Every so often, I like to repost old posts, just to you know. . .save myself some writing time. So I went through and found an old post. Interestingly enough, I thought this was hilarious. What makes it "interesting" is that I was the only one. But that's okay. I've learned to accept that and I've moved on with my life. Have you?

Friday, April 16, 2004

So am I the only one who thinks the senseless slaughter and cultural mutilation of bread should end? Chances are you've participated in this mass slaughter and have even come to expect your bread to conform to it. What am I talking about? Sliced bread. That's right SLICED bread. Chances are that doesn't even bother you. Bread is wheat flour, water, leaven and other natural flavorings too. Why do so many people simply accept its being sliced and doled out for our general convenience? When's the last time you saw a loaf of bread that wasn't mutilated? I can still remember seeing the loaves run free in the bakery, content to never be sliced for someone else's consumption and enjoyment, and it brings tears to my eyes to think of the all the bread we've abused. The time is now, the hour is upon us, for us to stop this sad sad violence against the loaves of bread. From the small loaves of rye, to the large loaves of sourdough, who are we to determine that they should be so cruelly sliced and mistreated? Should we play the role of God when it comes to bread? The answer to that should be as simple as embracing a loaf of bread, or holding it by the hand, and saying to it, "Bread, you are as much a free loaf of bread as the first loaf ever produced from the oven. Will you have this meal with me?" I can see all the breads and humans dwelling together in unity. No toast is worth this kind of cultural reformation. None. Just the very thought brings tears to my eyes. Its moved me to compose this song about the subject.

Bread. Its not meant to be sliced.
Would you like it if someone diced,
you into pieces when you were fresh?
When you were at the peak, at your best?
Then why do you assault bread?
It won't bite back, at least until you're dead.
Someday it will rise and not in a good sense.
It will need some kneading, and what then?
How do you tell it that you want to cut?
To mutilate and still keep its trust?
The young loaves so impressionable,
truly believe that its something correctional.
Shame on you all with your toast,
shame on you all with your toast!
SHAME!!
SHAME!!
TOAST IS MURDER!!

After reading this, I can see why it didn't go over so well. Not that it matters. I'm not much of a bread activist anymore anyway.