Monday, December 27, 2004

Ever wonder where you'd be if you'd just done something, one thing, differently? I remember right after I had a car accident, having crawled out of the rubble, and looking at my car, wishing, just wishing, that I'd just pulled over and looked down to see what that noise was that I'd heard. I might still be driving that car today. The funny thing about looking back is that it never does any good. It just makes you feel like even more of a loser, and even more of a reject, because not only did you fail miserably to make what is obviously a clearly successful decision, but now you have the long road of consquence ahead. There is nothing more irritating that your nagging faults following you, haunting you. All the mistakes you've made, all the things you wish you'd never done, and all the things you know, I mean YOU KNOW, you should've done, all past, unalterable and at the same time still there, making you wish you could alter them. You can't forget them, you can't change them, and no matter what people tell you about remembering to avoid repeating, the sweet feeling of release, of forgetting would be so much better. Sometimes its these feelings of regret that guide us into even more regret, simply to wash away the emotions of yesterday and open new wounds afresh.

Some would argue that learning from our mistakes isn't pointless, that in fact it is our mistakes that mold us, shape us, and teach us, as well as guide us. To these I would say we don't learn from mistakes, we learn from the harsh consequences they bring. And often times, that "learning" is simply us remembering the pain avoiding it. For instances like touching a hot stove or diving into an empty pool. Living through the pain, of course, teaches us not to do that, but in complex situations, when there literally is nothing that will be repeated or remain static in the future, its kind of a moot point. Next time around, I won't have to worry about that guy getting upset and beating me senseless if I just walk away right? Seems straightforward, but what if I succeed in intimidating the next person who challenges me, but when I walk away, he feels brave enough to attack me, because I turned my back on him. What if, by walking away, I leave myself open to being shot, or stabbed? Well previous experience tells me staying will lead to a fight, but does it tell me leaving won't? In each situation, its really dependent on the person, and who can really judge a person? We change as often as our clothing, and our situations dictate to us how we will react, which means nothing that we do is predictable. Sure you can guess how I'll respond to certain situations, but there's so many variables that it would be impossible to know exactly how I'd act. And that's the problem, in my mind, with human communications. Variables. Did she smile, did she laugh, was it a polite laugh or a full thrown belly laugh? Was it for my benefit or for hers? Can I take her at face value, or is she a complete hypocrite? Why did she cover her nose, is my breath smelly, or some other part of me, or does she feel a sneeze coming on? Is she embarassed, is she angry, does she know that I didn't mean to say what I said? Did that offend her? Why? What exactly did the offending? Could I say it again? Did she accept my apology? Am I chewing with my mouth open again? BAAH!! All of that for less fifteen minutes of conversation and interaction, and in the long run, nothing is accomplished and nothing is gained. Why? Because many of our behaviors are fronts, clever rouses to make us think that someone else is an incredible person in need of our attention and/or affections. So even though you may spend hours, days, weeks, months, years with someone, you may never know them until they break down and open up. But not too much, you have to open up and gain trust, but you can't open up until they gain trust, because too much and you will regret it and that finally brings us back here to where we started. Regret.

I regret that I even thought this.

Prox Map Sort - The Metric System Favorite song line of all time: "You're more difficult than bubble sort." This is what happens when programmers do music. See Devo for more.

My mood?


No comments: