Friday, April 23, 2004

Somebody unsuscribe me I'd like this newsletter to stop let me go ahead and click here because I know that's where I should click I guess its just another day, and with each day comes each others random thoughts covered in nothing always in something but not completely without nighttime to hide our faults and thoughts and things that we don't want anyone else to see but if we see what everyone else wants us to see then we'd all be ashamed to go outside into the light where there's so much color and life to be grasped have you grasped the light lately how can you grasp that which is not tangible just proof that a source of energy exists and is nearby evidence is rarely that which we want it to be often it is merely just something that makes us think something else how can you decide someones life based on what you think alone especially when that decision involves being responsible for such a young life in your hands they quiver and tremor and sometimes if you stare just long enough they look at you back in your eyes and you know at that moment that you've made the greatest mistake of your life because now you have more than just you and her its them to take care of and chances are you'll never really fully be able to do everything that is needed or maybe its just that the mind can never really be satisified because it can always imagine more than is possessed by the imaginee or maybe its the imaginer since the employee often works for the employer but if the employee dislikes his or her employer they should think more about trying to make sense or maybe they should make cents because getting paid is the point of work and if you don't work because you want the money then you don't really work you play or better you hobby around all day because you like what you do but that's the way that the counselor told me I should want to be but then that other counselor told me way back that I had issues and that I needed to be talked to over the course of time to be right in the head and I said I don't want to be right I want to be left behind again by all of my friends and here I am alone and when that happens I think about how much more like everyone else I could be and sometimes after I think that I really feel bad about myself because I know that regardless of who I am I'm me and I don't want to change but if I change I'll be someone else someone that everyone else seems to like me to be or maybe its just that everyone else wants to be that someone and so now they pretend to like that someone because they want to that doesn't make any sense so now the question is what exactly do I mean by change because that's what influences our time have you taken it to read this or did you stop at some other point chances are you've called it a day but this is what its like to live in my head above the brooklyn bridge beyond the clouds and stars there lives a great dragon who doesn't believe that humans exists and every day he eats a breakfast made entirely by humans and every night his dinner consists of human foodstuffs and as he roams about the house that was built for him by humans he continues to breath fire and say humans don't exists simply because he knows whats best just like father who always does everything right except for make his children happy or even just understand the emotions they have did I go to far I may have struck a nerve or maybe I've just struck out and I'm walking back to the bench and I know I mean I know I'm never going to have another chance to be what I want to be or do what I want but the entire walk back all I can think about is charleston chew its embedded in my brain like tattoo etched in my back of the worlds longest thought that never really ends just fades off into the distance bravely wondering and looking back and thinking that someday someone will eventually reach the end and discover that the pot of gold thing was nothing but a lie anyway I used to use the hose pipe to make my own rainbows and I'd half wish that there'd be at least a quarter down there or maybe a dime at least some silvery thing if not a pot of gold but then as I moved my head to look I noticed the rainbow got longer and before long the rainbow was a circle and I realized the pot of gold was the rainbow because that's what was as the end of it after this realization was made there was nothing left for me to do but to travel to Canada reading books about tour guides who were mass murdered by the same man who had a destest of the musuem all because at four some mean tour guide wouldn't let him have some ice cream I'm not living vicariously not so much as living precariously since there's nothing behind me and nothing in front of me no past no future nothing to catch myself on or to remind me that I am indeed human domo arigato Mr. Roboto with parts made from Japan I guess this means that when I fall apart I'll have to be shipped back piece by piece from where I came from for repair of my broken heart and of my aching back as well as my neck my neck and my back but to make a long story longer after I got to Canada I was greeted by this vat of beer who was just longing for me to drink it or maybe it was me longing to drink it but I dove right in and realized I couldn't swim so then I had to drink me way out but chances are I didn't because I woke up at 6:49 and realized I had less then ten minutes to call my own place of establishment and dwelling I could go on for days but for the moment we'll call this the end.
My mood?

Frozen thoughts flow better. . .

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