Tuesday, November 02, 2004

I can't afford to be wrong/my life nas become a bad song/waiting to explode in my face/and if I could, I'd erase/this bad flavor, this unholy taste/from my palate, no from my mind/and then maybe somehow I'd find/the absolution I've been seeking/the way to absolve all that which has left me weakened/from my previous strengths

So much anger, so much rage, so much. . .emotion. And I've yet to find a way to truly release all that I feel. Maybe its just that true release always means the loss of all control, and control is the last vestige of human goodness that remains. Or maybe its just that I'm not sure what it is I feel. Confused, lost, tired, frustrated, really just pick an adjective. I'm there. Either way I still feel the same word echoing through my mind: failure. Am I a failure? Or maybe just a disappointment to all who know me and care? I don't believe in predestination, but I do believe in destiny. What does that mean? No one's written a book for you, but you can surely write it with your actions. If you sow foolishly, you will reap foolishly. I don't know, maybe this is all just pointless rambling, I've never been sure of much before, and why should I feel like suddenly I need to be assured in all things. Maybe living life without that comfortable little safety net will be the savior of me. Or the death of me. That remains to be seen. Anyway, for those who read this and then become worried about my mental stability, if you didn't know by now, you should be told that I'm not mentally stable. No I'm just kidding, I'm pretty stable mentally, it's just extremely hard to keep your balance when there's nothing there to support yourself with. Things in this world seem determined to keep me topsy turvy, upside down, and off balance. This is just another session of Javann trying to right himself.

Enjoy the mp3 of the day:
What Your Soul Sings - Massive Attack

My mood?

I just need some time to think. . .

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