Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Sometimes I sit back, I smile, and I wonder, "What is wrong with me?" I can't seem to understand what it is that is so completely and utterly wrong with me, but I'm sure at some point, it'll become painfully obvious, and then even I won't be able to put up with me any longer. I'm not sure what it is, I was hoping someone could take the time to enlighten me. It doesn't help for me know that I'm not perfect, I've come to the conclusion that it goes way beyond that, since everyone else is imperfect and for some odd reason they have no problems. Of course, I'm sure this entry will be the one where people will read it and think, "Wow, that guy has real problems," and to be frank, I guess I don't really mind the fact that someone knows that I'm dissatisfied with myself. I'm an imperfect human being who never fails to disappoint himself every day. There is not a day I don't find myself wondering why exactly I do what I do. I get up in the morning and my thoughts all consist of doubts for the future and regrets for the past. I try to pacify myself and think that everyone else experiences that, but no one else talks about it. I think I'm wrong in that assumption, I think in this case its really just me. Don't misunderstand me, I don't hate myself, nor do I have any desire for self-destruction. I very much enjoy life, but I don't understand why that enjoyment has to be tampered with by none other than myself. It seems just as everything is starting to look up and cheerful, suddenly the rug is yanked from under me, I fall and just before I hit the ground into unconciousness, I see myself, smiling in the most unusual manner, almost malevolently, as the other me watches my demise. Paul put it best, when he says the good that he wishes to do, he does not do. Everything I want to be, I tend to not become. And everything I try to be, I am not. I think a lot of this comes from just being plain human. And I guess in the long run I'm okay with that. So before I get chalked up as being a person with "issues", scary, dark, mental, or anything else more extreme, I'll change the subject.

I'd like to make this subject change bright, but it doesn't really fit in with the theme of the chosen song for today. This is song, chosen completely and totally with bias, was one I wanted to put up initially but then changed my mind against it since it wasn't "cool enough" and since it is a pretty popular song that most people are likely to have heard in more places than here. But it ties in with what I was saying yesterday about capturing emotions. Yesterday, as was mentioned the emotion was captured through the lyrical prose, through the partial breakdown of abstraction, leaving us with several realistic metaphors which described the anguish of our troubadour in the fullest. "Would someone please call a surgeon/to come crack my ribs and repair this broken heart that you're deserting/for better company?" Does that not just give you a mental picture that truly describes what its like breaking up with someone? What this? You've never had a relationship go sour? As hard as I find that to believe, I'll give you all the benefit of the doubt. The few readers that I know that actually frequent this site seem to all be rather proficient in avoiding heartache. So the key here would be to break down all the metaphorical ins and outs and just cut straight to the chase. This is what is sometimes termed a "tearjerker". That's right a song that's sole purpose in life is to make you feel the pain and the anguish of losing that one love that (at the time) you feel like will never come along again. So here it is, without too much more coating and preparation, Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers. This appeared on the Notting Hill Soundtrack, and I'm quite sure in other places, but for the moment, be merely satisfied with that.

My mood?

Hoping to be the tower. . .

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