Saturday, December 13, 2003
And then suddenly, everything became quiet and still. The wind stopped blowing and the songs of the birds died down. It seemed as if time itself stood still, as the blades of dying grass stopped arcing in the wind. There was nothing to be heard anywhere, a moment when all things waited. Watched. Strained to hear what was to be said next. My throat became dry, and as I tried to wet it by swallowing, I realized that at that moment, I had never felt more important, nor had I ever felt more afraid. There was so much to lose, so much to gain, and so much that I'd never really thought about until that moment. The wrong words uttered would forever affect my life negatively, and only by averting this tragedy would I pull the shambles that had become my life back together again. I could feel the phone pressed upon my sweating flesh, and I could hear the silent breaths on the other end. I was so free, and yet I could hear the shackles that bound me, that weighed me down as I struggled to sprint off into the sunset. The weight on my shoulders became so great that standing suddenly became difficult and I was forced to sit down. My bookbag slid from my shoulders as I tried to find some way to relieve the pressure that was welling up on my back. The breath in my lungs fled, as I tried to fight back all the surging emotions that had waited for so long to surface. All the nights I'd spent fearing this moment all rushed back to me in vivid technicolor, and for that moment alone, I felt righteous indignation, biting shame, unforgettable arrogance, and stinging humiliation. As I felt all these things swirl over my body, causing me to sweat profusely, I leaned my head against the window above the air condition unit that I sat on. I could feel the cool air hitting my leg, and I knew that my last vestige of happiness had officially fallen. As I sucked in the cool air, I knew that what I was going to say would forever doom me to complete and utter unhappiness. I'd never know what it felt like to be completed, to be whole ever again, and suddenly as the rage of injustice surged through me, I felt as if everything was suddenly against me, entrenched in my battle to be happy. And yet, I found that I didn't care. I felt as if I'd never care again, about anyone or the hollowness I was already beginning to feel inside. "I guess this is it. Its over. . ." were the last words I barely whispered as I stared at the increasingly blurry linoleum. "We're through."